Monsoons and Somedays...

I stood outside tonight letting the monsoonal wind sweep over me. Somehow, the heat, wind and moisture seemed to be just what I needed.

In a time in my life when what I always thought I wanted is crashing against what I never knew I wanted I find myself emotionally spent and still searching.

Will new furniture make me happy? What about clothes? I really enjoy eating and drinking... Maybe going out will make me happy.

Unfortunately, none of those have quenched the thirst I have. Fitness, food, sex or shopping... None of it seems to fulfill me.

So what will?

I keep thinking that when I begin my masters degree EVERYTHING will change. Suddenly, I will be busy, smart, popular, and most importantly, busy.

Although as I sit here now, after the storm, once again in the stifling heat, I wonder... Will any of those things matter?

I keep dreaming of grand proposals, weddings vineyard style and finally impressing people.

Then, I wake up, with my teddy bear (yes, at close to 27 I still sleep with a teddy bear) and shake myself back into reality. For some reason, "it" hasn't happened to me yet.

But I will not stop looking, trying, clawing and hoping.

Because someday.... I will not have to watch the storm alone anymore.