A watched phone never rings...

Why is it that when you don't want to talk to anyone, your phone never stops ringing, and you have 3 million e-mails every day?

And when you really just want to talk to someone, the phone is practically non-existent?

No matter what the cause of this phenomenon, it exists. I'm sure it has something to do with the Sun, moon, Venus and Mars lining up or playing catch with the stars, but for some reason, it always seems to happen.

I try really hard not to keep looking at my phone...but I keep checking it every five minutes to make sure I didn't miss anything.

The same with e-mail. I remember in college I'd get hundreds of e-mails a day...and now...I might get like 5.

I think it all has to do with the need to be needed.

There are some things within myself and my personality that I can't change, and this is one of them.

I think I am always going to have the need to be needed by anyone and everyone. I don't care who calls or e-mails me, as long as someone does...

Until then...I'll keep watching...

Re-thinking what I always thought I knew...

I've started thinking about marriage lately. Not just because of my parents impending divorce, or my brothers recent marriage. I've started thinking about marriage for me.

And how for the first time in my life, I'm not sure if it's for me.

Let's put on my brother's analytical, black and white issue, hat.

Over half of all marriages fail. Okay, for a perfectionist...this is not comforting.

Second point: Will I ever find someone who makes me happy enough to settle for all of the stuff he does that doesn't make me happy? I've realized in the last six months that no one is perfect and the perfect relationship doesn't exist. With that rational knowledge, I immediately jump to the conclusion that if this is true, why should I settle for less than perfection?

I've been thinking a lot in the last few months about whether or not I need a man to complete any part of my life.

~I am fully capable of having a successful career without a man in my life.

~I can have, care for, and raise a child or children by myself if I chose to do that. Although I know it would be much easier and cleaner on paper if I had a man, it is not necessary.

~I can live by myself, in a house, apartment, shed, or truck if I wanted to. I've actually learned to become quite handy around my different apartments and dorm rooms in the last five years. I'm sure more of that will come in the future.

With all of these examples of how I could do it on my own if I wanted to, I continue to question myself. "Do I really want to live that way? Do I really want to cut the possibility of marriage completely out of my life?"

Well, no. But I also don't want the wedding march running through my head on each and every date anymore. I'm tired of the ticking maternal clock bullshit. If it starts ringing one day, I'll deal with it. Until then, I need to enjoy life, because if I do make the choice to start a family, with or without the man, I will be tied to that family indefinitely.

I.E. no travel. No picking up and flying to Boston for the weekend. No shopping uncontrollably. No fancy dinners with expensive wine and food.

I'm not being pessimistic. I'm not being sad or depressed.

I'm being real.

For the first time in my life, I think I'm actually leveling with myself about what I want and need. Really want and need.

In the meantime, I plan to live. Let life happen. Keep living for myself, and not getting caught up in "what things are."

Labels are overrated.

And I have my own damn diamonds.

To settle...or not to settle...

So this is what it feels like to settle...

I knew a long time ago that if I felt like I was settling in a relationship, I would simply end the relationship. Cutting all ties would in the end, be more beneficial to me than keeping them around for relationship sake.

Well, I think I did that house cleaning around Christmastime...whether or not I knew it at the time.

Now, I feel the same cleaning bug coming on with my work.

I "chose" Panera, and food service as a whole, because it was the Road more Traveled By...the easy way out. I'm good at it. It's like taking a 100 level class my whole life. No really new challenges. Nothing to really challenge me.

Well, three weeks into that, and I'm spent.

I feel every day as if I have to pry myself out of bed (not because I'm tired, although I am...) and drag myself to work. As I approach Independence, late of course, I get this sense of dread in my body.

I hate this place.

Normally, I would try and make the best of any situation, but this one is too much for me.

This is what drove me to do some internal searching as to what I should really be doing with my life. The kinds of questions I asked myself about four years ago...but must have lost the answer key to.

Number one realization: I need and desire a sense of purpose larger than myself.

Wow...now it seems so clear!

I need to feel needed when I go to work, and not just because I want to keep my job. I want to know that each day when I go to work, I am making a difference.

This was the first huge step in my NEW career search.

Back to square one, when I started college, and classes, and internships. I wanted to not only help people, but leave the place I was better than I found it. (Thanks Girl Scouts!!)

So, that is my new quest.

I know that by using the talents I've been given...wiritng, communications, people skills, etc., I can make a difference in the world, or at least my immediate world.

That is my new goal.

Find the job that will help me feel more connected with the world I live in, and that I have made some sort of difference in it.

What a liberal attitude from such a conservative...I know.

Who says you can't go...

After almost one week on the job...working nights (10p-6a) then turning around and working days (5a-2p,) I am learning what this business is all about.

I keep telling all of those I work with that this is the first restaurant I've ever worked for that doesn't have a bar in it. Most don't believe me.

First job ever: 15 and a half: D&G Restaurant- St. Joseph, Mo. I was a hostess. I wanted to frame my first paycheck I was so damn proud. But then my parents told me I wouldn't be able to cash it...so I went to my mom's work and made a photocopy of it so I'd always remember that moment.

It was like $50.

After that I worked in a grocery store until I went to college. I wasn't old enough to ring alcohol...so I had to call a manager.

Freshman year in college, I worked at the Power Plant. When I wasn't serving beer, I was drinking whatever they'd serve me (except beer...yuck!!). I thought I was really cool.

Then, my first job behind the bar: The American Legion. What better way to serve your Country than to serve Vets? What a blast I had...until my mind and values got in the way.

Then onto Arrowhead where I served Carl, Dante, Trent and loads of others. But even that doesn't matter so much.

What matters is that I know my stuff.

I know what a customer wants, desires and needs when they walk in the door. No matter if they rush in at 6 a.m. or traipse in at 2 p.m. They want to be noticed, welcomed, thanked, served, and appreciated.

This knowledge of what a customer wants, deserves and needs is what made me realize that maybe...just maybe...this is what I should really be doing right now...

Not writing for the Star, the Post, or the Sun...

Not starring on the 10 o'clock news.

I need to be serving the community...one customer at a time.

Sound familiar?

This is what leads me to this blog.

Maybe this is my ticket.

I've wanted to be in Florida for over a year now. Desperately exhausting every source I have to get me in the sun, heat and away from the issues in Missouri. Maybe Panera, or food service in general...is my ticket.

This has been my internal question for more than eight months now. What would happen if one day, I picked up and left? Would the world end?

No. It wouldn't.

Maybe, I just might live out my dreams of spending some time in a strange place, alone, trying to figure it out on my own, just so in 20, 30, 40 years, I don't regret that I never did it.

Recent activities with my family have led me to question what I always thought to be true. I wonder now what exactly marriage means. Do I really need to be married to have a child? While that is ideal, it is not necessary. While it may be expected, appreciated, and approving of me to stay in the Kansas City area to be around for people, for morale, friendship, and companionship, does it mean I should? Are any of those people who want me to stay going to be awake with me in 20 years when I'm questioning my life's path? Why I'm not married? Why I don't have kids? Why I haven't "figured it out?"

No. They aren't.

So why should I wait?

I recently told Racheal that if I had to do it all over again, I would have been out of Kansas City, on the highway to Florida in May. I told her that I couldn't pull that off now, but if I could, I would.

That was before I knew that I could.

Now...my biggest question is... WHAT'S STOPPING ME?

me

First Day Jitters

I start my first "real job" at 9 am. tomorrow.

It has been an interesting road that I've traveled since May. And I am no where I thought I'd be by this time. I thought I'd be in an office job, wearing a suit, moving up the corporate ladder. I'd have my own phone, desk, e-mail address, and I'd plan happy hour outings for co-workers' birthdays.

But life took a turn. I couldn't land the corporate job, no matter how hard I tried, how many asses I kissed, and how many "contacts" I called upon. So I stuck it out in the restaurant world. Took management courses, and dealt with head hunters.

Before I knew it, I had two job offers, and for the first time in at least six months, I felt wanted (by someone other than family or friends).

So tomorrow, I begin my management career with Panera Bread. The journey both begins and stops when I walk in those doors. It begins, because I have my whole career ahead of me, options, opportunities, and experiences that I can't even imagine right now. It ends because my old expectations of what I thought I would be doing are over.

It doesn't mean I won't ever end up in an office with the phone, desk, and e-mail, but for now, it's not the path I'm taking.

Which in itself, has been a struggle for me. This path is not what anyone expected me to take, including myself. But just because it's not what I had planned doesn't mean it's wrong.

Starting a job is a strange thing. It feels almost like the first day of school. I'm nervous, have a headache, and a stomach ache. I probably won't be able to sleep tonight. I wonder if they'll like me. What if I'm not even good enough for this job? What if I mess up?

I think it would be easier if I were starting an office job. There would only be one or two people watching me the first day. Here, there are a ton of people watching, it's called the public. And they don't like mistakes.

I know I can handle it, but the fear is still there. I think it will always be there in the back of my mind. Did I make the right decision? That is especially an issue when I'm continuously bombarded with other options and opportunities.

If my brother has taught me nothing else, it's that I am in control of which job I choose. So if something better comes along, I can grab it up.

It is an awesome moment, a contact high almost, when the offer is made, however. Just knowing that someone wants you, thinks you are the best one for the job.

For now, it's bread for me, and some dough in the bank (couldn't resist...)