Blessed

Today I feel absolutely blessed.

The "end" is in sight...soon, I will be hugging my mom inside terminal B in Kansas City. Yes, I know it's two days away, but a week ago, I didn't think I would make it this far.

I have been able to reflect a bit today on my drive in, setting up my day, etc., about how incredibly lucky I am. I have the most amazing family in the entire world. I have a mom who has literally given me everything in the world (without spoiling me, of course), a brother who I think worries about me more than anyone would like to admit, and a sister-in-law who I can't remember a time without...even before we met her, I feel like she was in our life.

Then, enter the Griffith's. It's a tough road when your parents divorce...you never know what life will be like "A.D." My life has gotten much better by having David in it. He has taken an interest in my life, is incredibly giving and loving toward me, and he doesn't have to be. We joke around and laugh and talk politics (okay, he talks, but I listen) and together, we actually make kind of a fun pair. Then you have Nicole who I call my sister (and she the same) who is always so bubbly and excited when I see her. I think there's a damaged part in both of us that is somewhat healed when we're together. Like pieces have been missing but are found for a little while. Matthew is a whole different story, but I don't want to give up hope in him yet.

We won't even get into that little baby right now...she has no idea yet how very much she is loved...and I plan to tell her about it every time I see her--for her ENTIRE LIFE. Not just when she's a baby. Not just on holidays. Not just in cards. EVERY TIME.

Family is a strange thing. Your family can both infuriate you and make you smile at the same time. They can make you hurt inside for the most wonderful reasons...that's family.

And all next week, while I'm sitting in the family room, having breakfast at Betty's or dinner at home, even when I have to dry the stupid dishes after Thanksgiving dinner, I'll be secretly smiling inside and remembering every second.

Family is the best gift ever. And the most important thing to be thankful for.

Is this an open window?

So you always hear, "God doesn't close a door without opening a window." Well, maybe this is my window...to a door that has been closed for a really long time.

I got an offer on my house today. The first one EVER. It's really low, but it's there. I am really hoping that the mortgage companies will accept it so that I can be rid of the place.

It is almost like I'm tiptoeing around because I'm afraid if I actually walk normally, something might jinx this whole thing.

I have asked my closest friends for prayers, thoughts, crossed legs and fingers, whatever kind of good juju they can send me. I'll take whatever I can get.

So if this happens, my life will change. I will finally be able to breathe. Maybe sleep. I will be able to take care of myself. It would be amazing.

A friend send me this today....and yes, the tears were working overtime.

"Tough times never last, but tough people do."

I think I've earned my stripes here...and I'm not afraid to pat myself on the back...but I'll wait until the ink has dried to do that. And then head directly to the bar to salute with my besties (in whatever city I might be in at the time...)

Failure

I feel like a complete and total failure.

I am always so happy and upbeat, telling everyone only the positive, always smiling and dancing around. "Look on the bright side, just believe, everything will turn around."

Well, I can't do that anymore.

I work three jobs to get by. At two of my three jobs, people regularly steal from me. But I can't very well stop going to those jobs because I need the money. I've thought about getting another job, but I already work every day of ever week--at least, so I don't know where else I can fit another job in.

I have never asked for a hand out. Not once.

I have always worked, ever since I was old enough.

I currently have a not-new car (God love Frankie, but let's be honest...not the flashiest of rides.) I don't go out. I hardly ever eat out, and if I do, I sacrafice somewhere else (i.e. groceries or gas). I don't buy myself new clothes, shoes, books, anything. I don't go to the doctor or get my hair cut. I don't give to charity because I feel jealous that someone else is getting a hand out and I'm not.

I love the time I get to go home and spend with family but then all I can think about are the shifts I'm missing at one of the bars I work at and how I'm going to make up that money for rent or mortgage.

I think I've finally reached my limit of acting like everything is okay, and that worries me even more. Today for the first time ever I wondered what it would be like if I weren't here. That was maybe the saddest, worst thing that has ever happened to me.

I have the best family and friends in the world, and I just can't seem to get it together. I feel like if I am "real" I am letting them all down because "real" isn't my job.

And it's not even like I can spend any time fixing it all, because all of my time is already spent working.

And every time I collect a pay check, it's already been spent.

Tell me when it will be my turn.

What's my deal?

So, here's the skinny.

I am in an awful mood, and have been for a few days. I'm trying to figure out why...here's what I've come up with.

• My schedule sucks.
• I have no money, even though I work every waking hour.
• My expectations for myself and others are way too high.
• Nothing is ever good enough for me.
• I don't know if I'll ever be in love again.
• I miss my family.
• I feel loney a lot of the time...even when I'm with others...

Next question...WTF? Can't I just tell myself to get over it?

Searching on a Friday...

Today, I find myself searching for a lot of answers.

Why does he still get to me?
Do I really like this one?
Do butterflies really matter?
Am I happy?
Can I be a fake person much longer?
Why do I have such expectations for someone else that aren't justified at all?
When will I fall in love?
Is the journey really more important than the destination?


All of these questions are pretty universal, I would guess. But for some reason, I can't get them out of my head...

Sometimes I find myself just sitting and looking into the nothingness of life and thinking about these things. I wonder what's going to happen with the economy. How will that affect me?

I get angry a lot at things and people and situations. I get angry that I am asked to give money to the United Way at my work. Asked this by the same people that said, due to the economy, we can't give raises this year, sorry. I work three jobs to try and stay afloat and I am asked to give to people who can't work (the bitter Elizabeth says WON'T work.) Then, if I turn the form in empty, I feel guilty.

Life is interesting, and I hope it comes full circle, but for now, I'm stuck on basic questions...and some not so basic ones, and that bothers me..

thinking...again.....

I was thinking today about regret.

A lot of people, once they find themselves single and lonely, begin to regret things they did or didn't do in their previous relationship. I've been thinking of this today, as I realize how extremely lonely I am right now.

I realized that in my past relationship. I MADE SURE to never, EVER take one moment for granted. I woke up every single day, even when I didn't want to wake up, I still rolled over, smiled at the man sleeping next to me, then went about my routine. Once I finished getting ready, I went to him, every morning, and kissed him goodbye. I kissed him somedays without him noticing. And other days, I kissed him and he woke up, grabbed me, and said things like I hope you have a great day boopie. 

I look back on that now, and wonder where did it go wrong? 

I think back to the feeling I had right before I left the comfort of the bed each day... the feeling of safety and love. I look back to that time, and cry. I cry because this is what I have wanted my ENTIRE life. I have dreamt of moments when I could look next to me and feel nothing but love. I have hoped for a "routine" that involved kisses goodbye and hugs and kisses hello in the evening. 

I remember back to the mornings when I would leave notes on the mirror when he would get up earlier than me. I would write with wash-away marker a note so that he would see it when he turned on the light. "You make me smile" or "YOU are the one Dace looks to for guidance, and you don't let him down." or "I can't wait to be with you tonight." 

You can't make that shit up.

And evidently, you can't forget it very easily either.

Now that I am single and lonely, I think back to those moments, and I don't regret anything. I don't sit and wish that that I had done something differently, or that I would have kissed him more. I know that I did what I did out of love. I know that I GAVE more than I could give at any given time. I know that I let my guard down and forgot it ever existed.

I know now that wish I had it all back. 

It doesn't even have to be with him, I just wish I had it back. 

As sad as I am now, I still want to do it all again, but this time, with someone who will appreciate it and love me back. 

Why can't I find that person? 

I know when it's supposed to happen it will and all of that other stuff, but sometimes, I want to lose the positive attitude and just be mad for a little bit. I want to be mad at the year he took from me I want to be mad that he did things to me that shouldn't have been done. I want to be mad that I am still mad and that he has moved on, and I can't. I am mad that I am by myself.

What is so wrong with me that I can't find someone to love me?

Things I've been thinking about....

I keep having these random thoughts pop into my head. But then, they pop in again the next day, next hour, next minute, and they don't seem so random anymore. I thought I'd write them down to hopefully free them from my brain.

• I hate being a "grown up."
• I should never have broken up with Brett.
• I hate being the one with no kids, boyfriend, husband or friends.
• I am lonely.
• As much as Mark hurt me, I still can't forget the times we had together, and can't stop going through every moment wondering what went wrong.
• I want to move back home.
• I hate feeling like no one appreciates me, notices me, or cares about what I do at work.
• I am tired of my boss and co-workers putting me down and not seeing anything wrong with it.
• I hate having to work so many jobs just to get by and still worrying about money ever day.
• I hate that I work out 5 times a week--hard, eat right and still can't lose this new weight that suddenly appeared when I turned 25.
• I want someone to look at me and make it all just melt away.
• I want to have someone to talk to before I go to sleep and when I wake up in the morning.
• I want to be able to share my silly thoughts with someone and not worry about what they will think or that they will make fun of me.
• I want to have routines and traditions of my own.
• I want a better job. One that challenges me and rewards me for the work I do.
• I want to start getting the credit for the work I do.
• I miss watching Elaina grow up and change.
• I am afraid my grandma will die alone.
• I am worried about my surgery.
• I don't feel pretty. That makes me feel like Mark is winning.
• I want to move on.
• I am tired of feeling guilty for nothing I ever did.
• I am sad that my dad wants nothing to do with me.
• I don't want to feel sorry for myself.

There are a lot more........but that's all I can manage right now.

Good bye

Mark~

I need to tell you some things. Things I have been feeling for some time now. Things you probably have known but never wanted to admit that you knew.

1. You never told me I was pretty.
2. You never said thank you.
3. You belittled every action, thought, feeling I had.
4. You made me feel stupid and not worthy of being around you.
5. Nothing I did was ever good enough.
6. You cheated on me.
7. You were rude to my family.
8. You never loved me.
9. You tricked me.
10. You never stood up for me.
11. You never appreciated the things I did for you.
12. You weren’t there for me when I needed you.
13. When I was there for you, you made me feel like it didn’t matter. (i.e. Dace)
14. You made me walk on egg shells around you.


There are so many more things you did or didn’t do that I needed, asked, begged you to. For some reason, nothing I said or did ever mattered to you.

I have tried to figure out for so long what it was that I did to ruin this relationship. While I know I’m not perfect, I know that I alone didn’t ruin it. You had a heavy hand in the fate of this relationship.

It still kills me that you would rather look at trashy women on the computer than be with me. How is that okay in your mind? Did you ever put together that something of that nature would hurt me more than it might others since my father cheated on my mom online? Did that ever cross your mind? I doubt it. Because in order for that to happen, you would have had to listen to me, process the fact that I had feelings, and then project those onto your actions. All of that would have been much too hard for you.

You gave me a load of crap when you said, “My number one priority is Dace.” Wrong. Your only priority is yourself. Where is Dace right now? Who is he with? What is he doing? Where was he last night? If you could answer those questions without a reasonable doubt in your head, great. Evidently things have changed a little bit. Because I know when I lived there, Dace ran you. And I would venture to guess he still does.

And now, since I’m not there, providing a female prospective in the house that is stable and unchanging, how many different women does he see coming in and out of the house every day? How does that help him in life?

When I think about you and how you treated me it makes me sick. I can’t believe that I let it happen for so long. It infuriates me that you still get under my skin. I hate that you have that way over me. You changed me, and not for the better. You made me insecure, sad, lonely, regretful, and you made me think I didn’t deserve anything in life.

Well, guess what? Every time a guy smiles at me, it builds me back up. Each time someone tells me I am pretty, it’s a mental dig to you. When I have a great workout or finish a race, I think to myself, and Mark said I could never do this. Every time I see my family and know that they love me I think, and Mark missed out on this great family. I feel sorry for him. He will never know the kind of love my family and I have to give. His loss.

So you know what, Mark Allen? Enjoy your women swooning over you. They’ll learn soon enough. Enjoy the false sense of being just what Dace needs. He doesn’t need a friend, he needs a parent. Enjoy your work out routines and your super diet. Just remember, I can run races too.

I am done with you. I am done with your memories. I am done with the way you make me feel. I am done feeling bad about myself because you tell me I should. I am done being pushed around, cheated on, lied to, made fun of, and all of those other awful things you did to me.

And when you are entertaining all of these new girls in your life, see if they will hand make cupcakes in the shapes of poker chips for your racing team. Or if they will take your son to school each day, drive him and his friends around, let him drive their car, and then after she has done all of that for him (and for you) the next time Dace is rude to her and you do NOTHING about it, see what she thinks then. See if she’ll scrub your kitchen floor on her hands and knees before going to her third job one day. See if she’ll do all the laundry, dishes, and pick up the house even though you tell her it looks like shit and she’s awful at it.

After you find out all of those things, then, tell her that you want to marry her and have children with her. And when she believes you, break her heart just like you did mine.

It seems to be how you operate.

Good bye Mark Allen.

I don't get it.....

This is a time when it's not fair to be a girl.

Girls think about things. We analyze a sitituation and try and figure out what made it happen. We usually put ourselves in the blame seat too.

Well, I don't get it.

I constantly say "I know I'm not God's gift, but I have to be at least a little pretty." But he doesn't tell me. He doesn't show me.

Instead he looks at others. Not even "real" other people.

He chooses them over me. He is intimate with them not me.

If I could only understand why this happens maybe I would give it peace. But I don't. And I can't bring it up because then it becomes my problem.

Because nothing is his problem.

Instead it becomes me not eating for days trying to make myself prettier. Or me working out even when I don't want to to try and make him like me more.

None of it works though. He still treats me as if I were hideous.

And I know I am not.

update....

Well....we never really know what life has in store for us, now do we?

A year ago I was preparing to leave Seattle and travel to LA where I was going to be in charge of a department. New responsibilities, new people, new city. All very exciting and stressful.

Well, once I got there, I hit the ground running at 100 miles an hour. I gained experience, friends, and love. I lost weight, time, sleep and myself.

So I found a way out. Part of me thinks I made a lot of something small and jumped off a bridge when I should have just stepped off the curb instead.

So, I left what I knew. I left what was hard (but easy at the same time) for something completely new. I left a job, a salary, a status, a lifestyle and drove away.

Now that I'm here and have been for some time, I am wondering if it was right.

I am not an impulsive person. I am a "show me the facts" person. Except for in this case. I took no facts and made a decision. One that I am not so sure about these days.

As an adult you have to make decisions and sacrifices in daily life. I don't think I was quite prepared for either of those things or their consequences when I drove East.

So now I'm here. With stress and struggle again. Something I thought I was leaving behind in lala land. There are good days, yes. But it is difficult sometimes to remember them and the feelings that were associated with them.

Now I feel distrust, defeat, and denial.

I will make it. I always do. I just need to draw a new map. And the first thing I need to put on this map is me. And I can't keep letting people erase me.