Two days till 24...

The "everything happens for a reason" theory is intriguing yet perplexing at times.

I was meant to come to Seattle, for a reason yet to be determined...maybe.

I have greatly increased my level of independence--by necessity--as well as confidence, possibly due to the first.

However, it's difficult not to feel alone while being independent.

I have never questioned who I'd be with on my birthday. Sure there have been some invites that weren't counted on, but I have always known there would be a "core" group there to celebrate.

Those who've never missed it.

Now--while experiencing my independence, I find myself faced with the possibility of being alone on my birthday. An experience I've never had-and haven't ever wanted.

I find myself trying to force relationships. Seeking out a guy at the bar.

I know this would do no good in my life, for my future, or even for Thursday, but it's a knee jerk reaction for "how to find a guy in two days."

It's clear that I will be alone Thursday. No matter who shows, loneliness will be the first to arrive and the last to leave.

The most unwelcome guest of all.

While I'll try hard not to focus on her-or entertain her-she'll be there.

In the empty cab ride home, the silent phone. She'll be a faithful uninvited guest.

Yet for a reason.

My Mary Tyler Moore Moment

It happened so suddenly, I almost missed it.

Standing under the "big buildings" with the cool night air nipping at my face, it hit me.

This is the dream.

Walking downtown with co-workers. All dressed in suites. Heading somewhere.

It was as moment I had wanted for a long time. A feeling that showed me I made it. An experience I had always wanted.

This experience was so powerful I stopped--at the corner--with my co-workers--and said, "If I had a hat, I'd throw it in the air right now."

They laughed, but I knew it was true.

Elizabeth Jo Weese turned Mary Tyler Moore.

Right there in Seattle, WA.

Coffee and columns 9-10-06

Writing. Something that seems so ordinary. An everyday act in life, business, education.

It's habitual and necessary.

To me, it breeds life.

Writing gives me a window to the world. A soap box to preach from. A place to unwind.

Writing helps me disconnect while remaining very connected to the world. There is great pain in some of my writing. Hurt feelings, broken spirit.

All of that seems to be healed by paper and pen.

I read back to a story I penned and smiled.

I captured with red ink a pure moment of happiness. A moment in time that included no one but myself. A moment I owe to myself.

A moment that will never be forgotten.

Now that it's written.

Antics

I was the first in the family to move west--but not the last.

My dad, very nonchalantly told me today he was moving to California in a week.

Not to further his career or to see the world, but because she's there.

Jolene.

the woman my father cheated with.

Jolene.

The woman my father is moving across the country for.

My dad hasn't contacted me in a month--since I moved. By myself. Across the country. And now, by coincidence, I find out he's moving too.

Not just to be with this person, but to be with her and her child.

A daughter.

That's what hurts.

Introduction to my book...

On a cooler than average late July day in the Midwest, I boarded a plane--off to start a new life.

Amid tears, a vodka induced blur, and a jumpy stomach, I looked back, once, through the glass separating security wall, took a deep breath, and walked on.

That was over a month ago. A month away from home. A month from everything I've ever known. A month into the beginning of my life. The life where everything is up to me.

So here I sit. On an island. Warm water air blowing on my skin. The smell of sun on my body.

Happy.

Walking around the island today I felt like I was home.

A new home--but one I could make mine.

The sign I bought says, "Live a good life. And in the end, it's not the years in a life, it's the life in the years."

Maybe that's why I'm here. I have been searching for the life for so long and now, it's my responsibility to make that life happen.

So next time I'm in an airport, ready to move on, I won't look back.

Not once.

airplane thoughts

It's hard to remember what it feels like to put a hand on his shoulder lovingly. Knowing that all you want to do is touch someone. Looking over and knowing he'll be there looking back at you.

Granted, it's not always butteflies and cotton candy, but sometimes, it's nice to remember these times. It's just sad that the mind and the senses don't always connect. I can remember the touches, but the feeling of them escapes me. The gentle firmness at the small of my back as we drift through a crowded room. The memory and thought recognition are still there. The feeling is gone.

And past that...kissing. I've forgotten the feeling of a kiss. Not necessarily a deep passionate kiss, but the brief encounters that we take for granted. The kisses the I always thought would last forever. The kisses you're not self-conscious about. Where your breath or teeth or lips don't matter. You just kiss because you feel like it.

For a long time I didn't want any of that. No time. No desire. But now. Now that I'm here, at a new beginning in life, a chance to be whoever I want to be, free of all past actions, mistakes, judgments and faults, I want to try again. I want to have that moment when some stranger floats into my life and leaves that mark.

I yearn to be lost in a kiss again, on the verge of taking it for granted, but pulling back just in time to cherish and remember the feeling. Maybe it takes having time away from the feelings to truly appreciate them again.

And just when I think he's out there, sitting at the coffee shop I haven't found yet, my brain and my heart say in harmony, "But what if you already left him in the past?"

Much to my dismay, I have to acknowledge those thoughts and fears. I have to be authentic and honest with myself that those thoughts are valid. However, acknowledgement and acceptance of defeat each live on different coasts. And right now, I'm not prepared to make a commitment to either side. I think I'll hang out in mid-air, no knowledge of which state I'm currently in. And I'll see what happens when I land.

It stops...

It's so interesting to me that just when we get what we want, something new pops up in the middle of the road just to mess with the new wax job on the car.

I got out of Panera, just in time I think. Just like those scary invader aliens on Sci-Fi movies who come to Earth just to suck it dry of all goodness and just in time before the Earth dies, they move on. With Panera, I stuck with it (whether I wanted to or not) just long enough to learn a ton of operational information to help me immensely when Rob called and got me to Seattle.

Now that I'm here, and feel good about what I'm doing, someone comes in to test me. Not just my belief in my work abilities or skills, but my belief in myself and whether or not I'm worth what responsibilities I have.

It is interesting how things in life loop around. There were times in my "youth" when a man told me what I thought about myself, my life, and everything else around me. Then, I woke up, got smart, and moved away. Now that I have tested (to some extent) how smart and capable I am by moving across the country, there's a new man, who I don't even know or care about, who is trying to "put me down" because as a woman, I have no greater good to add to human kind.

This is obviously a huge issue with me, that I have (unfortunately) let bug me for way too long. (Granted I've only been in Seattle for two weeks, but for a week of it, this has been happening.)

So, I've decided. Let him think he's ruling the world. Then, do it my way, when the right people are looking, and run right over him, the right way. The way I know I can do. The way I will succeed.

There are men in the world like this person for a reason, because women like me who are smart enough, strong enough and capable enough, let them continue. That stops with me.

Double...

I was driving home just now, worrying about several different things in my life, when suddenly, something told me to look up. Over my apartment, stretched between the clouds, sat a double rainbow.

I knew at that time that everything was going to be okay, and there's got to be some luck headed my way.

I'm ready for it, too.

A better life...

There's an oldie running through my head tonight...

"We got to get out of this place. If it's the last thing we ever do. We gotta get outta this place. Girl there's a better life for me and you."

Well, minus the romantic innuendo, that's exactly what I'm feeling right now.

Maybe I'm just tired, exhausted, or frustrated, but even more than in the past while at this job, I am more willing and ready to quit, be fired, or just walk out than ever before.

I am not a quitter. And definitely not the kind of person to ever be fired. But this job is literally killing me I think.

It's not about money, benefits, or title anymore. It's about quality of life.

I feel like I never leave that restaurant. And when I do, they call me with questions, problems, or just because. What did I do to deserve that? :)

I've got to catch the eye of an employer who will see my potential, my desire to achieve and make a difference, and then get them to hire me. Once I'm hired, I'll set boundaries. And if it's the right job, I won't have to.

Until this happens, the song will continue to play. And until the circus music makes me run myself through the bread slicer, I guess I'll continue slinging bagels.

Until the phone rings with the right offer.

Woman vs. Machine

I mowed MY grass for the first time today.

Enter machine.

I borrowed my brother's lawn mower for the day and set out to beautify MY lawn. Dressed to kill in short shorts, bikini top and a cute tank, I set out to execute a task I have accomplished numerous times in my life.

I pushed the lawn mower into the yard, grasped the handle, and started pulling. Once, twice, nothing else. Okay, I can do this.

Pull again.

Once, barely twice, nothing again the third time.

Okay, now I'm starting to get frustrated.

After using a few choice words against the lawn mower, and (of course I would never tell my brother this part...) kicking the stupid thing, I decided to be bigger than the machine.

I sat down, eye to gas tank with the lawn mower. I studied it. Thought about what makes it tick. Gas? Check. Oil? Check. Did I prime it? Yes.

Out of the blue a thought popped into my head. Does it have to be on level ground to start? Bing! The light bulb went on. I jumped up, moved the mower to level ground...first pull, ba-bing! VRROOMMMMM!!!!

SUCCESS!!!!

I struggled two other times with the mower throughout the afternoon, and when I cut the final square of lawn, I released the handlebar, and shouted for no one to hear but me, "And THAT'S how you mow grass!"

After that, I went and bought an electric weed eater with a push button start.

I win.

writing to live

Writing is supposed to be my voice. My refuge in the storms of life. Writing has always helped me through the pain and unknowing that comes with life and change.

If this is so, why is it that during this horribly confusing and depressing time in my life, I can't seem to write to get through it?

Are there some things even our refuge can't combat?

This is notably the worst time in life I have experienced thus far. Family torn apart, followed by lies, sickness, job problems, death, big debt, even bigger mistakes, then the threat of major surgery. Most people would say, experiencing all of that in a five year span is normal.

What about 9 months?

I have had just about every big life experience in the last 9 months as possible.

I'm not looking for sympathy, I'm just looking for a way out.

A healthy way. I've almost exhausted all of those options too.

So, back to the basics. Writing. Even if it's not about me, and my life, writing.

Being outdoors. Just sitting in nature.

Fresh air.

Sleep has been coming easier lately, with the help of modern science and medicine.

Unfortunately, I am secluding myself from people. I don't want to go out with friends, not just because I can't afford it, but because I don't want to be around people. I don't answer the phone, I don't respond to e-mail. I want to disappear from the radar for a bit.

Is that wrong?

I need to reconnect with myself before I face the world again.

The game is too exhausting.

3 or 23?

Why is it when I want to grow up so badly, and am trying so hard to do things by myself, that I feel so abandoned?

From my knowledgeable, detached self, I see that I am being very selfish right now. I see myself as very self centered, I'm the only one who matters and who should be considered, and that's how it is. The thinking side of me wants to slap myself and say, "look lady...the world doesn't revolve around you."

While this entire time, my heart-felt side is crying, saying, "everyone has left me. I'm all alone, and no one cares anymore."

I wonder if my grace period to be sad is over and everyone's tired of hearing about my family and work and stuff. Do I feel guilty about my feelings?

I know in my head it's okay for me to hurt and work through the pain. But I also wonder if I am asking too much from people to not accommodate..but accommodate to me and my moods and wants and needs.

Am I taking advantage of the situations that have been presented to me in the last 9 months? I haven't really ever had an "excuse" to be sad and concerned...so am I dwelling on this one?

Or is everyone else just more adjusted, or more detached than I am?

In my head I know I'm doing the healthy and right thing...but sometimes I feel guilty. Like I'm asking for too much sacrifice from others and none from myself.

And then I remember the sacrificing of my dreams that I have already made.

I have given up my dreams of my family and the future that holds. I have sacrificed peaceful and relaxing holidays for hectic, drive here, drive there holidays for the rest of my life.

For what?

Tears...

Totally alone in the world.

That's how I felt about an hour ago. I called my dad a week ago because I was excited about buying a house, and since he does home inspections for people, I thought he might want to be there when my future home was being inspected.

No response.

After 10 days I decided to call him again.

No response.

He then called me back a few minutes later blaming the cell phone and charging the phone, and whatever of wherever he was.

I didn't judge.

Just listened.

I first asked, "is everything okay?" because if he were dead in a ditch somewhere (obviously wouldn't be answering the phone then...) I wouldn't be sticking my perfectly pedicured foot in my mouth.

"Everything's fine."

"Okay, then," I start out... and it all goes down there from there. Crying. From me, not dad. "Why haven't you called me back? I called you with a very important piece of news and an invitation last week and haven't heard from you. Don't use this 'business trip' as an excuse either because I work 12+ hours a day and have found the time to call twice." Okay...so maybe not that strong of words, but damn close.

No emotion, no sorrow, no apology in the voice. "I'll try to do better by you."

"You've said that before, and it's unacceptable now."

The conversation went downhill from there. Him blaming me, saying the phone works both ways and that I wasn't trying. He's busy, and shouldn't have to be there all the time for me. He's on a business trip after all you know.

Then, he told me I was tired, should "clean myself up" and go to bed.

I said goodnight and hung up then.

Then I called my brother, because I needed someone. And for once, wished I was married, or dating someone, so that I could talk to someone and have them hold me. Unfortunately, none of those options were available, and my brother's in Chicago, so I just had the phone with him.

One hour of crying to him, and him trying to calm me down later, he told me, person number 8,216, that this was not my fault and there was nothing I could do about it.

One new piece of evidence.

My brother's conclusion:

"He'll (dad) either wake up and realize everything that's gone wrong and fight like hell to get it back, or, he'll sever all communication with us and never repair it. You have to be prepared for either circumstance."

Shit.

That sucks. But I guess it's true.

Now that I've been crying for literally hours straight, have a pounding headache and eyes that are swollen to three times their size, AND have to be at work at 5 a.m. I think I'll leave it there.

I'm so tired of this.

You got it!

Strength comes in strangest forms, and simplest ways sometimes.

Life seems to be testing me with all of the hard stuff at once. Job, money, moving, divorce, friends, guys, death, sadness.

You know what? I can handle it.

I will not be the exception, I will be the rule. Trust me.

life

Wow...it's really been over a month since I wrote anything here. That doesn't mean I haven't written, wanted to write, or had the need to write. It means I let life get in the way.

I have come to realize in the recent past that just when you think things are quieting down in life, something big happens.

You lose $400, your parent's divorce is in the newspaper for the world to see, you break someone's heart, you lose a house, a friend dies.

My shrink said today that if I were to take a standardized stress test right now, my numbers would be astronomical. Maybe that's why I've just kind of shut down.

I hope all of my craziness calms down soon. I honestly don't think I can take much more.

Just when I see a light, it starts to rain.

A watched phone never rings...

Why is it that when you don't want to talk to anyone, your phone never stops ringing, and you have 3 million e-mails every day?

And when you really just want to talk to someone, the phone is practically non-existent?

No matter what the cause of this phenomenon, it exists. I'm sure it has something to do with the Sun, moon, Venus and Mars lining up or playing catch with the stars, but for some reason, it always seems to happen.

I try really hard not to keep looking at my phone...but I keep checking it every five minutes to make sure I didn't miss anything.

The same with e-mail. I remember in college I'd get hundreds of e-mails a day...and now...I might get like 5.

I think it all has to do with the need to be needed.

There are some things within myself and my personality that I can't change, and this is one of them.

I think I am always going to have the need to be needed by anyone and everyone. I don't care who calls or e-mails me, as long as someone does...

Until then...I'll keep watching...

Re-thinking what I always thought I knew...

I've started thinking about marriage lately. Not just because of my parents impending divorce, or my brothers recent marriage. I've started thinking about marriage for me.

And how for the first time in my life, I'm not sure if it's for me.

Let's put on my brother's analytical, black and white issue, hat.

Over half of all marriages fail. Okay, for a perfectionist...this is not comforting.

Second point: Will I ever find someone who makes me happy enough to settle for all of the stuff he does that doesn't make me happy? I've realized in the last six months that no one is perfect and the perfect relationship doesn't exist. With that rational knowledge, I immediately jump to the conclusion that if this is true, why should I settle for less than perfection?

I've been thinking a lot in the last few months about whether or not I need a man to complete any part of my life.

~I am fully capable of having a successful career without a man in my life.

~I can have, care for, and raise a child or children by myself if I chose to do that. Although I know it would be much easier and cleaner on paper if I had a man, it is not necessary.

~I can live by myself, in a house, apartment, shed, or truck if I wanted to. I've actually learned to become quite handy around my different apartments and dorm rooms in the last five years. I'm sure more of that will come in the future.

With all of these examples of how I could do it on my own if I wanted to, I continue to question myself. "Do I really want to live that way? Do I really want to cut the possibility of marriage completely out of my life?"

Well, no. But I also don't want the wedding march running through my head on each and every date anymore. I'm tired of the ticking maternal clock bullshit. If it starts ringing one day, I'll deal with it. Until then, I need to enjoy life, because if I do make the choice to start a family, with or without the man, I will be tied to that family indefinitely.

I.E. no travel. No picking up and flying to Boston for the weekend. No shopping uncontrollably. No fancy dinners with expensive wine and food.

I'm not being pessimistic. I'm not being sad or depressed.

I'm being real.

For the first time in my life, I think I'm actually leveling with myself about what I want and need. Really want and need.

In the meantime, I plan to live. Let life happen. Keep living for myself, and not getting caught up in "what things are."

Labels are overrated.

And I have my own damn diamonds.

To settle...or not to settle...

So this is what it feels like to settle...

I knew a long time ago that if I felt like I was settling in a relationship, I would simply end the relationship. Cutting all ties would in the end, be more beneficial to me than keeping them around for relationship sake.

Well, I think I did that house cleaning around Christmastime...whether or not I knew it at the time.

Now, I feel the same cleaning bug coming on with my work.

I "chose" Panera, and food service as a whole, because it was the Road more Traveled By...the easy way out. I'm good at it. It's like taking a 100 level class my whole life. No really new challenges. Nothing to really challenge me.

Well, three weeks into that, and I'm spent.

I feel every day as if I have to pry myself out of bed (not because I'm tired, although I am...) and drag myself to work. As I approach Independence, late of course, I get this sense of dread in my body.

I hate this place.

Normally, I would try and make the best of any situation, but this one is too much for me.

This is what drove me to do some internal searching as to what I should really be doing with my life. The kinds of questions I asked myself about four years ago...but must have lost the answer key to.

Number one realization: I need and desire a sense of purpose larger than myself.

Wow...now it seems so clear!

I need to feel needed when I go to work, and not just because I want to keep my job. I want to know that each day when I go to work, I am making a difference.

This was the first huge step in my NEW career search.

Back to square one, when I started college, and classes, and internships. I wanted to not only help people, but leave the place I was better than I found it. (Thanks Girl Scouts!!)

So, that is my new quest.

I know that by using the talents I've been given...wiritng, communications, people skills, etc., I can make a difference in the world, or at least my immediate world.

That is my new goal.

Find the job that will help me feel more connected with the world I live in, and that I have made some sort of difference in it.

What a liberal attitude from such a conservative...I know.

Who says you can't go...

After almost one week on the job...working nights (10p-6a) then turning around and working days (5a-2p,) I am learning what this business is all about.

I keep telling all of those I work with that this is the first restaurant I've ever worked for that doesn't have a bar in it. Most don't believe me.

First job ever: 15 and a half: D&G Restaurant- St. Joseph, Mo. I was a hostess. I wanted to frame my first paycheck I was so damn proud. But then my parents told me I wouldn't be able to cash it...so I went to my mom's work and made a photocopy of it so I'd always remember that moment.

It was like $50.

After that I worked in a grocery store until I went to college. I wasn't old enough to ring alcohol...so I had to call a manager.

Freshman year in college, I worked at the Power Plant. When I wasn't serving beer, I was drinking whatever they'd serve me (except beer...yuck!!). I thought I was really cool.

Then, my first job behind the bar: The American Legion. What better way to serve your Country than to serve Vets? What a blast I had...until my mind and values got in the way.

Then onto Arrowhead where I served Carl, Dante, Trent and loads of others. But even that doesn't matter so much.

What matters is that I know my stuff.

I know what a customer wants, desires and needs when they walk in the door. No matter if they rush in at 6 a.m. or traipse in at 2 p.m. They want to be noticed, welcomed, thanked, served, and appreciated.

This knowledge of what a customer wants, deserves and needs is what made me realize that maybe...just maybe...this is what I should really be doing right now...

Not writing for the Star, the Post, or the Sun...

Not starring on the 10 o'clock news.

I need to be serving the community...one customer at a time.

Sound familiar?

This is what leads me to this blog.

Maybe this is my ticket.

I've wanted to be in Florida for over a year now. Desperately exhausting every source I have to get me in the sun, heat and away from the issues in Missouri. Maybe Panera, or food service in general...is my ticket.

This has been my internal question for more than eight months now. What would happen if one day, I picked up and left? Would the world end?

No. It wouldn't.

Maybe, I just might live out my dreams of spending some time in a strange place, alone, trying to figure it out on my own, just so in 20, 30, 40 years, I don't regret that I never did it.

Recent activities with my family have led me to question what I always thought to be true. I wonder now what exactly marriage means. Do I really need to be married to have a child? While that is ideal, it is not necessary. While it may be expected, appreciated, and approving of me to stay in the Kansas City area to be around for people, for morale, friendship, and companionship, does it mean I should? Are any of those people who want me to stay going to be awake with me in 20 years when I'm questioning my life's path? Why I'm not married? Why I don't have kids? Why I haven't "figured it out?"

No. They aren't.

So why should I wait?

I recently told Racheal that if I had to do it all over again, I would have been out of Kansas City, on the highway to Florida in May. I told her that I couldn't pull that off now, but if I could, I would.

That was before I knew that I could.

Now...my biggest question is... WHAT'S STOPPING ME?

me

First Day Jitters

I start my first "real job" at 9 am. tomorrow.

It has been an interesting road that I've traveled since May. And I am no where I thought I'd be by this time. I thought I'd be in an office job, wearing a suit, moving up the corporate ladder. I'd have my own phone, desk, e-mail address, and I'd plan happy hour outings for co-workers' birthdays.

But life took a turn. I couldn't land the corporate job, no matter how hard I tried, how many asses I kissed, and how many "contacts" I called upon. So I stuck it out in the restaurant world. Took management courses, and dealt with head hunters.

Before I knew it, I had two job offers, and for the first time in at least six months, I felt wanted (by someone other than family or friends).

So tomorrow, I begin my management career with Panera Bread. The journey both begins and stops when I walk in those doors. It begins, because I have my whole career ahead of me, options, opportunities, and experiences that I can't even imagine right now. It ends because my old expectations of what I thought I would be doing are over.

It doesn't mean I won't ever end up in an office with the phone, desk, and e-mail, but for now, it's not the path I'm taking.

Which in itself, has been a struggle for me. This path is not what anyone expected me to take, including myself. But just because it's not what I had planned doesn't mean it's wrong.

Starting a job is a strange thing. It feels almost like the first day of school. I'm nervous, have a headache, and a stomach ache. I probably won't be able to sleep tonight. I wonder if they'll like me. What if I'm not even good enough for this job? What if I mess up?

I think it would be easier if I were starting an office job. There would only be one or two people watching me the first day. Here, there are a ton of people watching, it's called the public. And they don't like mistakes.

I know I can handle it, but the fear is still there. I think it will always be there in the back of my mind. Did I make the right decision? That is especially an issue when I'm continuously bombarded with other options and opportunities.

If my brother has taught me nothing else, it's that I am in control of which job I choose. So if something better comes along, I can grab it up.

It is an awesome moment, a contact high almost, when the offer is made, however. Just knowing that someone wants you, thinks you are the best one for the job.

For now, it's bread for me, and some dough in the bank (couldn't resist...)