Antics

I was the first in the family to move west--but not the last.

My dad, very nonchalantly told me today he was moving to California in a week.

Not to further his career or to see the world, but because she's there.

Jolene.

the woman my father cheated with.

Jolene.

The woman my father is moving across the country for.

My dad hasn't contacted me in a month--since I moved. By myself. Across the country. And now, by coincidence, I find out he's moving too.

Not just to be with this person, but to be with her and her child.

A daughter.

That's what hurts.

Introduction to my book...

On a cooler than average late July day in the Midwest, I boarded a plane--off to start a new life.

Amid tears, a vodka induced blur, and a jumpy stomach, I looked back, once, through the glass separating security wall, took a deep breath, and walked on.

That was over a month ago. A month away from home. A month from everything I've ever known. A month into the beginning of my life. The life where everything is up to me.

So here I sit. On an island. Warm water air blowing on my skin. The smell of sun on my body.

Happy.

Walking around the island today I felt like I was home.

A new home--but one I could make mine.

The sign I bought says, "Live a good life. And in the end, it's not the years in a life, it's the life in the years."

Maybe that's why I'm here. I have been searching for the life for so long and now, it's my responsibility to make that life happen.

So next time I'm in an airport, ready to move on, I won't look back.

Not once.

airplane thoughts

It's hard to remember what it feels like to put a hand on his shoulder lovingly. Knowing that all you want to do is touch someone. Looking over and knowing he'll be there looking back at you.

Granted, it's not always butteflies and cotton candy, but sometimes, it's nice to remember these times. It's just sad that the mind and the senses don't always connect. I can remember the touches, but the feeling of them escapes me. The gentle firmness at the small of my back as we drift through a crowded room. The memory and thought recognition are still there. The feeling is gone.

And past that...kissing. I've forgotten the feeling of a kiss. Not necessarily a deep passionate kiss, but the brief encounters that we take for granted. The kisses the I always thought would last forever. The kisses you're not self-conscious about. Where your breath or teeth or lips don't matter. You just kiss because you feel like it.

For a long time I didn't want any of that. No time. No desire. But now. Now that I'm here, at a new beginning in life, a chance to be whoever I want to be, free of all past actions, mistakes, judgments and faults, I want to try again. I want to have that moment when some stranger floats into my life and leaves that mark.

I yearn to be lost in a kiss again, on the verge of taking it for granted, but pulling back just in time to cherish and remember the feeling. Maybe it takes having time away from the feelings to truly appreciate them again.

And just when I think he's out there, sitting at the coffee shop I haven't found yet, my brain and my heart say in harmony, "But what if you already left him in the past?"

Much to my dismay, I have to acknowledge those thoughts and fears. I have to be authentic and honest with myself that those thoughts are valid. However, acknowledgement and acceptance of defeat each live on different coasts. And right now, I'm not prepared to make a commitment to either side. I think I'll hang out in mid-air, no knowledge of which state I'm currently in. And I'll see what happens when I land.

It stops...

It's so interesting to me that just when we get what we want, something new pops up in the middle of the road just to mess with the new wax job on the car.

I got out of Panera, just in time I think. Just like those scary invader aliens on Sci-Fi movies who come to Earth just to suck it dry of all goodness and just in time before the Earth dies, they move on. With Panera, I stuck with it (whether I wanted to or not) just long enough to learn a ton of operational information to help me immensely when Rob called and got me to Seattle.

Now that I'm here, and feel good about what I'm doing, someone comes in to test me. Not just my belief in my work abilities or skills, but my belief in myself and whether or not I'm worth what responsibilities I have.

It is interesting how things in life loop around. There were times in my "youth" when a man told me what I thought about myself, my life, and everything else around me. Then, I woke up, got smart, and moved away. Now that I have tested (to some extent) how smart and capable I am by moving across the country, there's a new man, who I don't even know or care about, who is trying to "put me down" because as a woman, I have no greater good to add to human kind.

This is obviously a huge issue with me, that I have (unfortunately) let bug me for way too long. (Granted I've only been in Seattle for two weeks, but for a week of it, this has been happening.)

So, I've decided. Let him think he's ruling the world. Then, do it my way, when the right people are looking, and run right over him, the right way. The way I know I can do. The way I will succeed.

There are men in the world like this person for a reason, because women like me who are smart enough, strong enough and capable enough, let them continue. That stops with me.