Blessed

Today I feel absolutely blessed.

The "end" is in sight...soon, I will be hugging my mom inside terminal B in Kansas City. Yes, I know it's two days away, but a week ago, I didn't think I would make it this far.

I have been able to reflect a bit today on my drive in, setting up my day, etc., about how incredibly lucky I am. I have the most amazing family in the entire world. I have a mom who has literally given me everything in the world (without spoiling me, of course), a brother who I think worries about me more than anyone would like to admit, and a sister-in-law who I can't remember a time without...even before we met her, I feel like she was in our life.

Then, enter the Griffith's. It's a tough road when your parents divorce...you never know what life will be like "A.D." My life has gotten much better by having David in it. He has taken an interest in my life, is incredibly giving and loving toward me, and he doesn't have to be. We joke around and laugh and talk politics (okay, he talks, but I listen) and together, we actually make kind of a fun pair. Then you have Nicole who I call my sister (and she the same) who is always so bubbly and excited when I see her. I think there's a damaged part in both of us that is somewhat healed when we're together. Like pieces have been missing but are found for a little while. Matthew is a whole different story, but I don't want to give up hope in him yet.

We won't even get into that little baby right now...she has no idea yet how very much she is loved...and I plan to tell her about it every time I see her--for her ENTIRE LIFE. Not just when she's a baby. Not just on holidays. Not just in cards. EVERY TIME.

Family is a strange thing. Your family can both infuriate you and make you smile at the same time. They can make you hurt inside for the most wonderful reasons...that's family.

And all next week, while I'm sitting in the family room, having breakfast at Betty's or dinner at home, even when I have to dry the stupid dishes after Thanksgiving dinner, I'll be secretly smiling inside and remembering every second.

Family is the best gift ever. And the most important thing to be thankful for.

Is this an open window?

So you always hear, "God doesn't close a door without opening a window." Well, maybe this is my window...to a door that has been closed for a really long time.

I got an offer on my house today. The first one EVER. It's really low, but it's there. I am really hoping that the mortgage companies will accept it so that I can be rid of the place.

It is almost like I'm tiptoeing around because I'm afraid if I actually walk normally, something might jinx this whole thing.

I have asked my closest friends for prayers, thoughts, crossed legs and fingers, whatever kind of good juju they can send me. I'll take whatever I can get.

So if this happens, my life will change. I will finally be able to breathe. Maybe sleep. I will be able to take care of myself. It would be amazing.

A friend send me this today....and yes, the tears were working overtime.

"Tough times never last, but tough people do."

I think I've earned my stripes here...and I'm not afraid to pat myself on the back...but I'll wait until the ink has dried to do that. And then head directly to the bar to salute with my besties (in whatever city I might be in at the time...)

Failure

I feel like a complete and total failure.

I am always so happy and upbeat, telling everyone only the positive, always smiling and dancing around. "Look on the bright side, just believe, everything will turn around."

Well, I can't do that anymore.

I work three jobs to get by. At two of my three jobs, people regularly steal from me. But I can't very well stop going to those jobs because I need the money. I've thought about getting another job, but I already work every day of ever week--at least, so I don't know where else I can fit another job in.

I have never asked for a hand out. Not once.

I have always worked, ever since I was old enough.

I currently have a not-new car (God love Frankie, but let's be honest...not the flashiest of rides.) I don't go out. I hardly ever eat out, and if I do, I sacrafice somewhere else (i.e. groceries or gas). I don't buy myself new clothes, shoes, books, anything. I don't go to the doctor or get my hair cut. I don't give to charity because I feel jealous that someone else is getting a hand out and I'm not.

I love the time I get to go home and spend with family but then all I can think about are the shifts I'm missing at one of the bars I work at and how I'm going to make up that money for rent or mortgage.

I think I've finally reached my limit of acting like everything is okay, and that worries me even more. Today for the first time ever I wondered what it would be like if I weren't here. That was maybe the saddest, worst thing that has ever happened to me.

I have the best family and friends in the world, and I just can't seem to get it together. I feel like if I am "real" I am letting them all down because "real" isn't my job.

And it's not even like I can spend any time fixing it all, because all of my time is already spent working.

And every time I collect a pay check, it's already been spent.

Tell me when it will be my turn.