Good bye

Mark~

I need to tell you some things. Things I have been feeling for some time now. Things you probably have known but never wanted to admit that you knew.

1. You never told me I was pretty.
2. You never said thank you.
3. You belittled every action, thought, feeling I had.
4. You made me feel stupid and not worthy of being around you.
5. Nothing I did was ever good enough.
6. You cheated on me.
7. You were rude to my family.
8. You never loved me.
9. You tricked me.
10. You never stood up for me.
11. You never appreciated the things I did for you.
12. You weren’t there for me when I needed you.
13. When I was there for you, you made me feel like it didn’t matter. (i.e. Dace)
14. You made me walk on egg shells around you.


There are so many more things you did or didn’t do that I needed, asked, begged you to. For some reason, nothing I said or did ever mattered to you.

I have tried to figure out for so long what it was that I did to ruin this relationship. While I know I’m not perfect, I know that I alone didn’t ruin it. You had a heavy hand in the fate of this relationship.

It still kills me that you would rather look at trashy women on the computer than be with me. How is that okay in your mind? Did you ever put together that something of that nature would hurt me more than it might others since my father cheated on my mom online? Did that ever cross your mind? I doubt it. Because in order for that to happen, you would have had to listen to me, process the fact that I had feelings, and then project those onto your actions. All of that would have been much too hard for you.

You gave me a load of crap when you said, “My number one priority is Dace.” Wrong. Your only priority is yourself. Where is Dace right now? Who is he with? What is he doing? Where was he last night? If you could answer those questions without a reasonable doubt in your head, great. Evidently things have changed a little bit. Because I know when I lived there, Dace ran you. And I would venture to guess he still does.

And now, since I’m not there, providing a female prospective in the house that is stable and unchanging, how many different women does he see coming in and out of the house every day? How does that help him in life?

When I think about you and how you treated me it makes me sick. I can’t believe that I let it happen for so long. It infuriates me that you still get under my skin. I hate that you have that way over me. You changed me, and not for the better. You made me insecure, sad, lonely, regretful, and you made me think I didn’t deserve anything in life.

Well, guess what? Every time a guy smiles at me, it builds me back up. Each time someone tells me I am pretty, it’s a mental dig to you. When I have a great workout or finish a race, I think to myself, and Mark said I could never do this. Every time I see my family and know that they love me I think, and Mark missed out on this great family. I feel sorry for him. He will never know the kind of love my family and I have to give. His loss.

So you know what, Mark Allen? Enjoy your women swooning over you. They’ll learn soon enough. Enjoy the false sense of being just what Dace needs. He doesn’t need a friend, he needs a parent. Enjoy your work out routines and your super diet. Just remember, I can run races too.

I am done with you. I am done with your memories. I am done with the way you make me feel. I am done feeling bad about myself because you tell me I should. I am done being pushed around, cheated on, lied to, made fun of, and all of those other awful things you did to me.

And when you are entertaining all of these new girls in your life, see if they will hand make cupcakes in the shapes of poker chips for your racing team. Or if they will take your son to school each day, drive him and his friends around, let him drive their car, and then after she has done all of that for him (and for you) the next time Dace is rude to her and you do NOTHING about it, see what she thinks then. See if she’ll scrub your kitchen floor on her hands and knees before going to her third job one day. See if she’ll do all the laundry, dishes, and pick up the house even though you tell her it looks like shit and she’s awful at it.

After you find out all of those things, then, tell her that you want to marry her and have children with her. And when she believes you, break her heart just like you did mine.

It seems to be how you operate.

Good bye Mark Allen.