Tears...

Totally alone in the world.

That's how I felt about an hour ago. I called my dad a week ago because I was excited about buying a house, and since he does home inspections for people, I thought he might want to be there when my future home was being inspected.

No response.

After 10 days I decided to call him again.

No response.

He then called me back a few minutes later blaming the cell phone and charging the phone, and whatever of wherever he was.

I didn't judge.

Just listened.

I first asked, "is everything okay?" because if he were dead in a ditch somewhere (obviously wouldn't be answering the phone then...) I wouldn't be sticking my perfectly pedicured foot in my mouth.

"Everything's fine."

"Okay, then," I start out... and it all goes down there from there. Crying. From me, not dad. "Why haven't you called me back? I called you with a very important piece of news and an invitation last week and haven't heard from you. Don't use this 'business trip' as an excuse either because I work 12+ hours a day and have found the time to call twice." Okay...so maybe not that strong of words, but damn close.

No emotion, no sorrow, no apology in the voice. "I'll try to do better by you."

"You've said that before, and it's unacceptable now."

The conversation went downhill from there. Him blaming me, saying the phone works both ways and that I wasn't trying. He's busy, and shouldn't have to be there all the time for me. He's on a business trip after all you know.

Then, he told me I was tired, should "clean myself up" and go to bed.

I said goodnight and hung up then.

Then I called my brother, because I needed someone. And for once, wished I was married, or dating someone, so that I could talk to someone and have them hold me. Unfortunately, none of those options were available, and my brother's in Chicago, so I just had the phone with him.

One hour of crying to him, and him trying to calm me down later, he told me, person number 8,216, that this was not my fault and there was nothing I could do about it.

One new piece of evidence.

My brother's conclusion:

"He'll (dad) either wake up and realize everything that's gone wrong and fight like hell to get it back, or, he'll sever all communication with us and never repair it. You have to be prepared for either circumstance."

Shit.

That sucks. But I guess it's true.

Now that I've been crying for literally hours straight, have a pounding headache and eyes that are swollen to three times their size, AND have to be at work at 5 a.m. I think I'll leave it there.

I'm so tired of this.

You got it!

Strength comes in strangest forms, and simplest ways sometimes.

Life seems to be testing me with all of the hard stuff at once. Job, money, moving, divorce, friends, guys, death, sadness.

You know what? I can handle it.

I will not be the exception, I will be the rule. Trust me.

life

Wow...it's really been over a month since I wrote anything here. That doesn't mean I haven't written, wanted to write, or had the need to write. It means I let life get in the way.

I have come to realize in the recent past that just when you think things are quieting down in life, something big happens.

You lose $400, your parent's divorce is in the newspaper for the world to see, you break someone's heart, you lose a house, a friend dies.

My shrink said today that if I were to take a standardized stress test right now, my numbers would be astronomical. Maybe that's why I've just kind of shut down.

I hope all of my craziness calms down soon. I honestly don't think I can take much more.

Just when I see a light, it starts to rain.