3 or 23?

Why is it when I want to grow up so badly, and am trying so hard to do things by myself, that I feel so abandoned?

From my knowledgeable, detached self, I see that I am being very selfish right now. I see myself as very self centered, I'm the only one who matters and who should be considered, and that's how it is. The thinking side of me wants to slap myself and say, "look lady...the world doesn't revolve around you."

While this entire time, my heart-felt side is crying, saying, "everyone has left me. I'm all alone, and no one cares anymore."

I wonder if my grace period to be sad is over and everyone's tired of hearing about my family and work and stuff. Do I feel guilty about my feelings?

I know in my head it's okay for me to hurt and work through the pain. But I also wonder if I am asking too much from people to not accommodate..but accommodate to me and my moods and wants and needs.

Am I taking advantage of the situations that have been presented to me in the last 9 months? I haven't really ever had an "excuse" to be sad and concerned...so am I dwelling on this one?

Or is everyone else just more adjusted, or more detached than I am?

In my head I know I'm doing the healthy and right thing...but sometimes I feel guilty. Like I'm asking for too much sacrifice from others and none from myself.

And then I remember the sacrificing of my dreams that I have already made.

I have given up my dreams of my family and the future that holds. I have sacrificed peaceful and relaxing holidays for hectic, drive here, drive there holidays for the rest of my life.

For what?

Tears...

Totally alone in the world.

That's how I felt about an hour ago. I called my dad a week ago because I was excited about buying a house, and since he does home inspections for people, I thought he might want to be there when my future home was being inspected.

No response.

After 10 days I decided to call him again.

No response.

He then called me back a few minutes later blaming the cell phone and charging the phone, and whatever of wherever he was.

I didn't judge.

Just listened.

I first asked, "is everything okay?" because if he were dead in a ditch somewhere (obviously wouldn't be answering the phone then...) I wouldn't be sticking my perfectly pedicured foot in my mouth.

"Everything's fine."

"Okay, then," I start out... and it all goes down there from there. Crying. From me, not dad. "Why haven't you called me back? I called you with a very important piece of news and an invitation last week and haven't heard from you. Don't use this 'business trip' as an excuse either because I work 12+ hours a day and have found the time to call twice." Okay...so maybe not that strong of words, but damn close.

No emotion, no sorrow, no apology in the voice. "I'll try to do better by you."

"You've said that before, and it's unacceptable now."

The conversation went downhill from there. Him blaming me, saying the phone works both ways and that I wasn't trying. He's busy, and shouldn't have to be there all the time for me. He's on a business trip after all you know.

Then, he told me I was tired, should "clean myself up" and go to bed.

I said goodnight and hung up then.

Then I called my brother, because I needed someone. And for once, wished I was married, or dating someone, so that I could talk to someone and have them hold me. Unfortunately, none of those options were available, and my brother's in Chicago, so I just had the phone with him.

One hour of crying to him, and him trying to calm me down later, he told me, person number 8,216, that this was not my fault and there was nothing I could do about it.

One new piece of evidence.

My brother's conclusion:

"He'll (dad) either wake up and realize everything that's gone wrong and fight like hell to get it back, or, he'll sever all communication with us and never repair it. You have to be prepared for either circumstance."

Shit.

That sucks. But I guess it's true.

Now that I've been crying for literally hours straight, have a pounding headache and eyes that are swollen to three times their size, AND have to be at work at 5 a.m. I think I'll leave it there.

I'm so tired of this.

You got it!

Strength comes in strangest forms, and simplest ways sometimes.

Life seems to be testing me with all of the hard stuff at once. Job, money, moving, divorce, friends, guys, death, sadness.

You know what? I can handle it.

I will not be the exception, I will be the rule. Trust me.

life

Wow...it's really been over a month since I wrote anything here. That doesn't mean I haven't written, wanted to write, or had the need to write. It means I let life get in the way.

I have come to realize in the recent past that just when you think things are quieting down in life, something big happens.

You lose $400, your parent's divorce is in the newspaper for the world to see, you break someone's heart, you lose a house, a friend dies.

My shrink said today that if I were to take a standardized stress test right now, my numbers would be astronomical. Maybe that's why I've just kind of shut down.

I hope all of my craziness calms down soon. I honestly don't think I can take much more.

Just when I see a light, it starts to rain.

A watched phone never rings...

Why is it that when you don't want to talk to anyone, your phone never stops ringing, and you have 3 million e-mails every day?

And when you really just want to talk to someone, the phone is practically non-existent?

No matter what the cause of this phenomenon, it exists. I'm sure it has something to do with the Sun, moon, Venus and Mars lining up or playing catch with the stars, but for some reason, it always seems to happen.

I try really hard not to keep looking at my phone...but I keep checking it every five minutes to make sure I didn't miss anything.

The same with e-mail. I remember in college I'd get hundreds of e-mails a day...and now...I might get like 5.

I think it all has to do with the need to be needed.

There are some things within myself and my personality that I can't change, and this is one of them.

I think I am always going to have the need to be needed by anyone and everyone. I don't care who calls or e-mails me, as long as someone does...

Until then...I'll keep watching...

Re-thinking what I always thought I knew...

I've started thinking about marriage lately. Not just because of my parents impending divorce, or my brothers recent marriage. I've started thinking about marriage for me.

And how for the first time in my life, I'm not sure if it's for me.

Let's put on my brother's analytical, black and white issue, hat.

Over half of all marriages fail. Okay, for a perfectionist...this is not comforting.

Second point: Will I ever find someone who makes me happy enough to settle for all of the stuff he does that doesn't make me happy? I've realized in the last six months that no one is perfect and the perfect relationship doesn't exist. With that rational knowledge, I immediately jump to the conclusion that if this is true, why should I settle for less than perfection?

I've been thinking a lot in the last few months about whether or not I need a man to complete any part of my life.

~I am fully capable of having a successful career without a man in my life.

~I can have, care for, and raise a child or children by myself if I chose to do that. Although I know it would be much easier and cleaner on paper if I had a man, it is not necessary.

~I can live by myself, in a house, apartment, shed, or truck if I wanted to. I've actually learned to become quite handy around my different apartments and dorm rooms in the last five years. I'm sure more of that will come in the future.

With all of these examples of how I could do it on my own if I wanted to, I continue to question myself. "Do I really want to live that way? Do I really want to cut the possibility of marriage completely out of my life?"

Well, no. But I also don't want the wedding march running through my head on each and every date anymore. I'm tired of the ticking maternal clock bullshit. If it starts ringing one day, I'll deal with it. Until then, I need to enjoy life, because if I do make the choice to start a family, with or without the man, I will be tied to that family indefinitely.

I.E. no travel. No picking up and flying to Boston for the weekend. No shopping uncontrollably. No fancy dinners with expensive wine and food.

I'm not being pessimistic. I'm not being sad or depressed.

I'm being real.

For the first time in my life, I think I'm actually leveling with myself about what I want and need. Really want and need.

In the meantime, I plan to live. Let life happen. Keep living for myself, and not getting caught up in "what things are."

Labels are overrated.

And I have my own damn diamonds.

To settle...or not to settle...

So this is what it feels like to settle...

I knew a long time ago that if I felt like I was settling in a relationship, I would simply end the relationship. Cutting all ties would in the end, be more beneficial to me than keeping them around for relationship sake.

Well, I think I did that house cleaning around Christmastime...whether or not I knew it at the time.

Now, I feel the same cleaning bug coming on with my work.

I "chose" Panera, and food service as a whole, because it was the Road more Traveled By...the easy way out. I'm good at it. It's like taking a 100 level class my whole life. No really new challenges. Nothing to really challenge me.

Well, three weeks into that, and I'm spent.

I feel every day as if I have to pry myself out of bed (not because I'm tired, although I am...) and drag myself to work. As I approach Independence, late of course, I get this sense of dread in my body.

I hate this place.

Normally, I would try and make the best of any situation, but this one is too much for me.

This is what drove me to do some internal searching as to what I should really be doing with my life. The kinds of questions I asked myself about four years ago...but must have lost the answer key to.

Number one realization: I need and desire a sense of purpose larger than myself.

Wow...now it seems so clear!

I need to feel needed when I go to work, and not just because I want to keep my job. I want to know that each day when I go to work, I am making a difference.

This was the first huge step in my NEW career search.

Back to square one, when I started college, and classes, and internships. I wanted to not only help people, but leave the place I was better than I found it. (Thanks Girl Scouts!!)

So, that is my new quest.

I know that by using the talents I've been given...wiritng, communications, people skills, etc., I can make a difference in the world, or at least my immediate world.

That is my new goal.

Find the job that will help me feel more connected with the world I live in, and that I have made some sort of difference in it.

What a liberal attitude from such a conservative...I know.

Who says you can't go...

After almost one week on the job...working nights (10p-6a) then turning around and working days (5a-2p,) I am learning what this business is all about.

I keep telling all of those I work with that this is the first restaurant I've ever worked for that doesn't have a bar in it. Most don't believe me.

First job ever: 15 and a half: D&G Restaurant- St. Joseph, Mo. I was a hostess. I wanted to frame my first paycheck I was so damn proud. But then my parents told me I wouldn't be able to cash it...so I went to my mom's work and made a photocopy of it so I'd always remember that moment.

It was like $50.

After that I worked in a grocery store until I went to college. I wasn't old enough to ring alcohol...so I had to call a manager.

Freshman year in college, I worked at the Power Plant. When I wasn't serving beer, I was drinking whatever they'd serve me (except beer...yuck!!). I thought I was really cool.

Then, my first job behind the bar: The American Legion. What better way to serve your Country than to serve Vets? What a blast I had...until my mind and values got in the way.

Then onto Arrowhead where I served Carl, Dante, Trent and loads of others. But even that doesn't matter so much.

What matters is that I know my stuff.

I know what a customer wants, desires and needs when they walk in the door. No matter if they rush in at 6 a.m. or traipse in at 2 p.m. They want to be noticed, welcomed, thanked, served, and appreciated.

This knowledge of what a customer wants, deserves and needs is what made me realize that maybe...just maybe...this is what I should really be doing right now...

Not writing for the Star, the Post, or the Sun...

Not starring on the 10 o'clock news.

I need to be serving the community...one customer at a time.

Sound familiar?

This is what leads me to this blog.

Maybe this is my ticket.

I've wanted to be in Florida for over a year now. Desperately exhausting every source I have to get me in the sun, heat and away from the issues in Missouri. Maybe Panera, or food service in general...is my ticket.

This has been my internal question for more than eight months now. What would happen if one day, I picked up and left? Would the world end?

No. It wouldn't.

Maybe, I just might live out my dreams of spending some time in a strange place, alone, trying to figure it out on my own, just so in 20, 30, 40 years, I don't regret that I never did it.

Recent activities with my family have led me to question what I always thought to be true. I wonder now what exactly marriage means. Do I really need to be married to have a child? While that is ideal, it is not necessary. While it may be expected, appreciated, and approving of me to stay in the Kansas City area to be around for people, for morale, friendship, and companionship, does it mean I should? Are any of those people who want me to stay going to be awake with me in 20 years when I'm questioning my life's path? Why I'm not married? Why I don't have kids? Why I haven't "figured it out?"

No. They aren't.

So why should I wait?

I recently told Racheal that if I had to do it all over again, I would have been out of Kansas City, on the highway to Florida in May. I told her that I couldn't pull that off now, but if I could, I would.

That was before I knew that I could.

Now...my biggest question is... WHAT'S STOPPING ME?

me

First Day Jitters

I start my first "real job" at 9 am. tomorrow.

It has been an interesting road that I've traveled since May. And I am no where I thought I'd be by this time. I thought I'd be in an office job, wearing a suit, moving up the corporate ladder. I'd have my own phone, desk, e-mail address, and I'd plan happy hour outings for co-workers' birthdays.

But life took a turn. I couldn't land the corporate job, no matter how hard I tried, how many asses I kissed, and how many "contacts" I called upon. So I stuck it out in the restaurant world. Took management courses, and dealt with head hunters.

Before I knew it, I had two job offers, and for the first time in at least six months, I felt wanted (by someone other than family or friends).

So tomorrow, I begin my management career with Panera Bread. The journey both begins and stops when I walk in those doors. It begins, because I have my whole career ahead of me, options, opportunities, and experiences that I can't even imagine right now. It ends because my old expectations of what I thought I would be doing are over.

It doesn't mean I won't ever end up in an office with the phone, desk, and e-mail, but for now, it's not the path I'm taking.

Which in itself, has been a struggle for me. This path is not what anyone expected me to take, including myself. But just because it's not what I had planned doesn't mean it's wrong.

Starting a job is a strange thing. It feels almost like the first day of school. I'm nervous, have a headache, and a stomach ache. I probably won't be able to sleep tonight. I wonder if they'll like me. What if I'm not even good enough for this job? What if I mess up?

I think it would be easier if I were starting an office job. There would only be one or two people watching me the first day. Here, there are a ton of people watching, it's called the public. And they don't like mistakes.

I know I can handle it, but the fear is still there. I think it will always be there in the back of my mind. Did I make the right decision? That is especially an issue when I'm continuously bombarded with other options and opportunities.

If my brother has taught me nothing else, it's that I am in control of which job I choose. So if something better comes along, I can grab it up.

It is an awesome moment, a contact high almost, when the offer is made, however. Just knowing that someone wants you, thinks you are the best one for the job.

For now, it's bread for me, and some dough in the bank (couldn't resist...)

The past

I often sit and remember the past. The times when all I had to do was wake up, go to school, and come home. When talking on the phone was the most important thing. When my only job was folding clothes (I wasn't allowed to wash them...and didn't even learn how until I went to college.)

My mom always required me to visit my grandparents and aunts and uncles. We never got to eat out, we had to sit around the dinner table together with the TV off most of the time. My room was never clean enough.

In middle school, I started making dinner for my family every night after school. I remember how much fun it was at first, but then how obligated I felt to do it every day, and how that cut into my phone and TV time after school.

Now, I have a job. A "real" job starting in a week. I have graduated college, and am expected to be even more independent than before. I have to pay bills, on time, which isn't easy for me. I have to find a way to eat every day, whether I go out or stay in. I have to make decisions for myself, by myself.

My room is never clean enough.

I long to sit on my grandparents front porch, talking, or watching squirrels.

I wish boyfriends were just the boys you went to the movie with on Friday night, and maybe even sat by. Or the boy who wants to play basketball with you at recess. Now everything is complicated and involves space, freedom, trust, understanding, and commitment.

I wish I could go back in time and tell my younger self to enjoy those care free times while they last. Don't be lazy and sleep all of the time, it's just a bad habit that I still haven't been able to break fully. Arrive somewhere early, another habit that causes me stress today.

I have finally figured out what it is I am searching for. I want those easy times in life to come back. I keep searching for a day, week, or month where I make all of the decisions on what I am going to do, instead of doing what I'm required to do during those times.

I wonder if they ever come? Will I spend my whole life searching for that life?

I hope when I have kids, I can take the time to observe them in their care free lifestyle, and maybe live vicariously through that for a little while.

The writer

I am a writer. I always have been.

I believe writing is both a gift and a talent. A gift because I think some are born to write, and easily excel at writing. Writing is a talent because one must work at it, just as one must work at playing baseball, or doing a back handspring.

I think I was born with the gift of writing, and storytelling, but have recently let my talent slip.

Today, I scheduled an interview. I felt like a fish out of water. I couldn't remember how to formulate questions, and make them understandable and intriguing.

It's strange how I can always think of those tough questions any other time, but while I sat there, having the conversation, I couldn't think of anything to ask.

I know it will all come back to me, and the story will get written. But somehow, I think this day was an eye opener to me. The craft of writing isn't just a gift, it's also a talent that every writer must practice.

Strike one. Flip-flop.

-30-

Christmas

Christmas...really?

Everyone is worried about what presents they are going to buy their nanny or their hairdresser. I'm worried about which parent I will spend Christmas night with.

For someone who always thought she had the perfect family with the perfect holidays and the perfect life, I have realized that I never treated them as perfect when they were here.

Growing up, even up to last Christmas, I have always acted like a spoiled brat who "deserved" the best, and if I didn't get it...look out. Now that I don't have it, I'm devastated.

I guess the saying is correct. You don't know what you've got till it's gone.

It makes me sick to think about all of the times I acted spoiled or selfish during holidays, whether they were Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthdays, or Easter. I never even knew I was acting that way at the time. I just did it.

Looking back, I wish I could change those memories of me being mad, or upset, or tired so that I could have perfect memories of when my family was perfect. While I still have those memories, unfortunately, I'm the only one in the stories that isn't perfect.

For some reason, I'm always the drama queen. I need all of the attention, good or bad, on me at all times.

My friends say that's still the same. They say I'm over-reacting about this whole thing with my family and I just need to get over it. They say it happens every day, and that my story isn't any different from anyone else's.

Well, it is. And it's okay for me to feel badly, and be sick, and cry. It's okay because that's what I feel. I'm sad. I make myself sick. And I cry.

I regret the holidays from the past. The Christmases where I didn't get exactly what I wanted and I was mad. There's even a picture of me from the third grade where I'm screaming my head off because my mom wanted me to pose with my new baby carriage and outfit I got from Santa. But, it wasn't exactly what I wanted, so I bitched, and complained, and screamed.

I did all of that while my cousin, who just lost her father in a horrible car accident just a week before, stood beside me smiling.

What I horrible person. From the beginning.

I vow to change.

I vow to be different. For my family, for my friends, for my future.

I don't want my kids to remember bad holidays because I can't be pleased.

More than anything, I want to forgive myself. Forgive because it's what I need to do to make the pattern change.

Until that pattern changes, I will cry.

Words

This new blog is dedicated to words.

Words are a part of everyone's lives, daily encounters, and relationships. For me, words are a relationship.

I can't pinpoint the exact moment when words became so important to me, but I know it was at a young age. I remember always writing. One of my punishments growing up was to write sentences over and over again like Bart Simpson does on the chalkboard, only mine were on lined paper. I learned that if I just joined all of the words together, it made it easier, and kind of like a game.

I would have, essentially, one incredibly long word that said something like, "IwillnotthrowmypianobooksonthefloorwhenIcomein,Iwillputthemwheretheygo."

I don't think that went over very well with my mom. I had to re-do a lot of those sentence punishments.

Words are still essential to my life. I based my education on words, and unfortunately, I have let myself become too busy to continue with my passion for words. Or else, I have let that be my excuse, so that I leave my past behind and trek out into the unknown.

After doing some thinking, I've realized that words fit wherever I go, because they are ingrained in my soul. I will always write. SometimesIwillwritelikeachild. And sometimes... I will write romantically, OR WITH EMPHASIS.

But I will always write.