Re-thinking what I always thought I knew...

I've started thinking about marriage lately. Not just because of my parents impending divorce, or my brothers recent marriage. I've started thinking about marriage for me.

And how for the first time in my life, I'm not sure if it's for me.

Let's put on my brother's analytical, black and white issue, hat.

Over half of all marriages fail. Okay, for a perfectionist...this is not comforting.

Second point: Will I ever find someone who makes me happy enough to settle for all of the stuff he does that doesn't make me happy? I've realized in the last six months that no one is perfect and the perfect relationship doesn't exist. With that rational knowledge, I immediately jump to the conclusion that if this is true, why should I settle for less than perfection?

I've been thinking a lot in the last few months about whether or not I need a man to complete any part of my life.

~I am fully capable of having a successful career without a man in my life.

~I can have, care for, and raise a child or children by myself if I chose to do that. Although I know it would be much easier and cleaner on paper if I had a man, it is not necessary.

~I can live by myself, in a house, apartment, shed, or truck if I wanted to. I've actually learned to become quite handy around my different apartments and dorm rooms in the last five years. I'm sure more of that will come in the future.

With all of these examples of how I could do it on my own if I wanted to, I continue to question myself. "Do I really want to live that way? Do I really want to cut the possibility of marriage completely out of my life?"

Well, no. But I also don't want the wedding march running through my head on each and every date anymore. I'm tired of the ticking maternal clock bullshit. If it starts ringing one day, I'll deal with it. Until then, I need to enjoy life, because if I do make the choice to start a family, with or without the man, I will be tied to that family indefinitely.

I.E. no travel. No picking up and flying to Boston for the weekend. No shopping uncontrollably. No fancy dinners with expensive wine and food.

I'm not being pessimistic. I'm not being sad or depressed.

I'm being real.

For the first time in my life, I think I'm actually leveling with myself about what I want and need. Really want and need.

In the meantime, I plan to live. Let life happen. Keep living for myself, and not getting caught up in "what things are."

Labels are overrated.

And I have my own damn diamonds.