The past

I often sit and remember the past. The times when all I had to do was wake up, go to school, and come home. When talking on the phone was the most important thing. When my only job was folding clothes (I wasn't allowed to wash them...and didn't even learn how until I went to college.)

My mom always required me to visit my grandparents and aunts and uncles. We never got to eat out, we had to sit around the dinner table together with the TV off most of the time. My room was never clean enough.

In middle school, I started making dinner for my family every night after school. I remember how much fun it was at first, but then how obligated I felt to do it every day, and how that cut into my phone and TV time after school.

Now, I have a job. A "real" job starting in a week. I have graduated college, and am expected to be even more independent than before. I have to pay bills, on time, which isn't easy for me. I have to find a way to eat every day, whether I go out or stay in. I have to make decisions for myself, by myself.

My room is never clean enough.

I long to sit on my grandparents front porch, talking, or watching squirrels.

I wish boyfriends were just the boys you went to the movie with on Friday night, and maybe even sat by. Or the boy who wants to play basketball with you at recess. Now everything is complicated and involves space, freedom, trust, understanding, and commitment.

I wish I could go back in time and tell my younger self to enjoy those care free times while they last. Don't be lazy and sleep all of the time, it's just a bad habit that I still haven't been able to break fully. Arrive somewhere early, another habit that causes me stress today.

I have finally figured out what it is I am searching for. I want those easy times in life to come back. I keep searching for a day, week, or month where I make all of the decisions on what I am going to do, instead of doing what I'm required to do during those times.

I wonder if they ever come? Will I spend my whole life searching for that life?

I hope when I have kids, I can take the time to observe them in their care free lifestyle, and maybe live vicariously through that for a little while.