What's my deal?

So, here's the skinny.

I am in an awful mood, and have been for a few days. I'm trying to figure out why...here's what I've come up with.

• My schedule sucks.
• I have no money, even though I work every waking hour.
• My expectations for myself and others are way too high.
• Nothing is ever good enough for me.
• I don't know if I'll ever be in love again.
• I miss my family.
• I feel loney a lot of the time...even when I'm with others...

Next question...WTF? Can't I just tell myself to get over it?

Searching on a Friday...

Today, I find myself searching for a lot of answers.

Why does he still get to me?
Do I really like this one?
Do butterflies really matter?
Am I happy?
Can I be a fake person much longer?
Why do I have such expectations for someone else that aren't justified at all?
When will I fall in love?
Is the journey really more important than the destination?


All of these questions are pretty universal, I would guess. But for some reason, I can't get them out of my head...

Sometimes I find myself just sitting and looking into the nothingness of life and thinking about these things. I wonder what's going to happen with the economy. How will that affect me?

I get angry a lot at things and people and situations. I get angry that I am asked to give money to the United Way at my work. Asked this by the same people that said, due to the economy, we can't give raises this year, sorry. I work three jobs to try and stay afloat and I am asked to give to people who can't work (the bitter Elizabeth says WON'T work.) Then, if I turn the form in empty, I feel guilty.

Life is interesting, and I hope it comes full circle, but for now, I'm stuck on basic questions...and some not so basic ones, and that bothers me..

thinking...again.....

I was thinking today about regret.

A lot of people, once they find themselves single and lonely, begin to regret things they did or didn't do in their previous relationship. I've been thinking of this today, as I realize how extremely lonely I am right now.

I realized that in my past relationship. I MADE SURE to never, EVER take one moment for granted. I woke up every single day, even when I didn't want to wake up, I still rolled over, smiled at the man sleeping next to me, then went about my routine. Once I finished getting ready, I went to him, every morning, and kissed him goodbye. I kissed him somedays without him noticing. And other days, I kissed him and he woke up, grabbed me, and said things like I hope you have a great day boopie. 

I look back on that now, and wonder where did it go wrong? 

I think back to the feeling I had right before I left the comfort of the bed each day... the feeling of safety and love. I look back to that time, and cry. I cry because this is what I have wanted my ENTIRE life. I have dreamt of moments when I could look next to me and feel nothing but love. I have hoped for a "routine" that involved kisses goodbye and hugs and kisses hello in the evening. 

I remember back to the mornings when I would leave notes on the mirror when he would get up earlier than me. I would write with wash-away marker a note so that he would see it when he turned on the light. "You make me smile" or "YOU are the one Dace looks to for guidance, and you don't let him down." or "I can't wait to be with you tonight." 

You can't make that shit up.

And evidently, you can't forget it very easily either.

Now that I am single and lonely, I think back to those moments, and I don't regret anything. I don't sit and wish that that I had done something differently, or that I would have kissed him more. I know that I did what I did out of love. I know that I GAVE more than I could give at any given time. I know that I let my guard down and forgot it ever existed.

I know now that wish I had it all back. 

It doesn't even have to be with him, I just wish I had it back. 

As sad as I am now, I still want to do it all again, but this time, with someone who will appreciate it and love me back. 

Why can't I find that person? 

I know when it's supposed to happen it will and all of that other stuff, but sometimes, I want to lose the positive attitude and just be mad for a little bit. I want to be mad at the year he took from me I want to be mad that he did things to me that shouldn't have been done. I want to be mad that I am still mad and that he has moved on, and I can't. I am mad that I am by myself.

What is so wrong with me that I can't find someone to love me?

Things I've been thinking about....

I keep having these random thoughts pop into my head. But then, they pop in again the next day, next hour, next minute, and they don't seem so random anymore. I thought I'd write them down to hopefully free them from my brain.

• I hate being a "grown up."
• I should never have broken up with Brett.
• I hate being the one with no kids, boyfriend, husband or friends.
• I am lonely.
• As much as Mark hurt me, I still can't forget the times we had together, and can't stop going through every moment wondering what went wrong.
• I want to move back home.
• I hate feeling like no one appreciates me, notices me, or cares about what I do at work.
• I am tired of my boss and co-workers putting me down and not seeing anything wrong with it.
• I hate having to work so many jobs just to get by and still worrying about money ever day.
• I hate that I work out 5 times a week--hard, eat right and still can't lose this new weight that suddenly appeared when I turned 25.
• I want someone to look at me and make it all just melt away.
• I want to have someone to talk to before I go to sleep and when I wake up in the morning.
• I want to be able to share my silly thoughts with someone and not worry about what they will think or that they will make fun of me.
• I want to have routines and traditions of my own.
• I want a better job. One that challenges me and rewards me for the work I do.
• I want to start getting the credit for the work I do.
• I miss watching Elaina grow up and change.
• I am afraid my grandma will die alone.
• I am worried about my surgery.
• I don't feel pretty. That makes me feel like Mark is winning.
• I want to move on.
• I am tired of feeling guilty for nothing I ever did.
• I am sad that my dad wants nothing to do with me.
• I don't want to feel sorry for myself.

There are a lot more........but that's all I can manage right now.

Good bye

Mark~

I need to tell you some things. Things I have been feeling for some time now. Things you probably have known but never wanted to admit that you knew.

1. You never told me I was pretty.
2. You never said thank you.
3. You belittled every action, thought, feeling I had.
4. You made me feel stupid and not worthy of being around you.
5. Nothing I did was ever good enough.
6. You cheated on me.
7. You were rude to my family.
8. You never loved me.
9. You tricked me.
10. You never stood up for me.
11. You never appreciated the things I did for you.
12. You weren’t there for me when I needed you.
13. When I was there for you, you made me feel like it didn’t matter. (i.e. Dace)
14. You made me walk on egg shells around you.


There are so many more things you did or didn’t do that I needed, asked, begged you to. For some reason, nothing I said or did ever mattered to you.

I have tried to figure out for so long what it was that I did to ruin this relationship. While I know I’m not perfect, I know that I alone didn’t ruin it. You had a heavy hand in the fate of this relationship.

It still kills me that you would rather look at trashy women on the computer than be with me. How is that okay in your mind? Did you ever put together that something of that nature would hurt me more than it might others since my father cheated on my mom online? Did that ever cross your mind? I doubt it. Because in order for that to happen, you would have had to listen to me, process the fact that I had feelings, and then project those onto your actions. All of that would have been much too hard for you.

You gave me a load of crap when you said, “My number one priority is Dace.” Wrong. Your only priority is yourself. Where is Dace right now? Who is he with? What is he doing? Where was he last night? If you could answer those questions without a reasonable doubt in your head, great. Evidently things have changed a little bit. Because I know when I lived there, Dace ran you. And I would venture to guess he still does.

And now, since I’m not there, providing a female prospective in the house that is stable and unchanging, how many different women does he see coming in and out of the house every day? How does that help him in life?

When I think about you and how you treated me it makes me sick. I can’t believe that I let it happen for so long. It infuriates me that you still get under my skin. I hate that you have that way over me. You changed me, and not for the better. You made me insecure, sad, lonely, regretful, and you made me think I didn’t deserve anything in life.

Well, guess what? Every time a guy smiles at me, it builds me back up. Each time someone tells me I am pretty, it’s a mental dig to you. When I have a great workout or finish a race, I think to myself, and Mark said I could never do this. Every time I see my family and know that they love me I think, and Mark missed out on this great family. I feel sorry for him. He will never know the kind of love my family and I have to give. His loss.

So you know what, Mark Allen? Enjoy your women swooning over you. They’ll learn soon enough. Enjoy the false sense of being just what Dace needs. He doesn’t need a friend, he needs a parent. Enjoy your work out routines and your super diet. Just remember, I can run races too.

I am done with you. I am done with your memories. I am done with the way you make me feel. I am done feeling bad about myself because you tell me I should. I am done being pushed around, cheated on, lied to, made fun of, and all of those other awful things you did to me.

And when you are entertaining all of these new girls in your life, see if they will hand make cupcakes in the shapes of poker chips for your racing team. Or if they will take your son to school each day, drive him and his friends around, let him drive their car, and then after she has done all of that for him (and for you) the next time Dace is rude to her and you do NOTHING about it, see what she thinks then. See if she’ll scrub your kitchen floor on her hands and knees before going to her third job one day. See if she’ll do all the laundry, dishes, and pick up the house even though you tell her it looks like shit and she’s awful at it.

After you find out all of those things, then, tell her that you want to marry her and have children with her. And when she believes you, break her heart just like you did mine.

It seems to be how you operate.

Good bye Mark Allen.

I don't get it.....

This is a time when it's not fair to be a girl.

Girls think about things. We analyze a sitituation and try and figure out what made it happen. We usually put ourselves in the blame seat too.

Well, I don't get it.

I constantly say "I know I'm not God's gift, but I have to be at least a little pretty." But he doesn't tell me. He doesn't show me.

Instead he looks at others. Not even "real" other people.

He chooses them over me. He is intimate with them not me.

If I could only understand why this happens maybe I would give it peace. But I don't. And I can't bring it up because then it becomes my problem.

Because nothing is his problem.

Instead it becomes me not eating for days trying to make myself prettier. Or me working out even when I don't want to to try and make him like me more.

None of it works though. He still treats me as if I were hideous.

And I know I am not.

update....

Well....we never really know what life has in store for us, now do we?

A year ago I was preparing to leave Seattle and travel to LA where I was going to be in charge of a department. New responsibilities, new people, new city. All very exciting and stressful.

Well, once I got there, I hit the ground running at 100 miles an hour. I gained experience, friends, and love. I lost weight, time, sleep and myself.

So I found a way out. Part of me thinks I made a lot of something small and jumped off a bridge when I should have just stepped off the curb instead.

So, I left what I knew. I left what was hard (but easy at the same time) for something completely new. I left a job, a salary, a status, a lifestyle and drove away.

Now that I'm here and have been for some time, I am wondering if it was right.

I am not an impulsive person. I am a "show me the facts" person. Except for in this case. I took no facts and made a decision. One that I am not so sure about these days.

As an adult you have to make decisions and sacrifices in daily life. I don't think I was quite prepared for either of those things or their consequences when I drove East.

So now I'm here. With stress and struggle again. Something I thought I was leaving behind in lala land. There are good days, yes. But it is difficult sometimes to remember them and the feelings that were associated with them.

Now I feel distrust, defeat, and denial.

I will make it. I always do. I just need to draw a new map. And the first thing I need to put on this map is me. And I can't keep letting people erase me.

So long...

It has been so long since I've written. Not because I haven't wanted to, but because of several things.

In my last post I begged and looked forward to new responsibilities and more to do. Well, now I've got it. I am running a department that is making the most money (in premium) while operating with the less amount of dollars. Interesting.

But, relate that to life.

When you have the most assets (time, space, money) you usually use the least of those assets to achieve the goal. (Family time, education, R&R).

Well, now that I am using the least amount of those assets at work, I find I am using the most of those assets in my personal life. I am suddenly taking weekend get-a-ways, making "play dates" with my dad and his person, flying home for "the big moments."

Limited sometimes equals excess.

So, I sit here in the warm desert in May thinking of the future. I am no longer tied to Seattle (thankfully) although I will always be tied there. Memories are sometimes the strongest pieces of twine tying you somewhere.

I am in the midst of baseball. Some days on top, sometimes falling short in the 9th.

I continue to learn every minute of every day. Learn how to speak, act, counsel, and pretend. Because after all, isn't that all that management is? Pretending?

Life is good now.

I feel happier than I have in a very long time.

I have my family (including my dad).

I have my friends (friends from the past as well as people I can trust from work. Yes, I said trust.)

I have money. I never knew how much this would change my outlook until now.

I have confidence. Falling down doesn't mean failing.

Cheers to what's next. WHOO!

New Year...

I have wanted to write my normal "Toast to the New Year" column since before the big day, but haven't been able to get it done. Not because of time restraints or laziness (although time has been more valuable than land these days.) I haven't written it because I'm not sure about it yet.

This has been one of the hardest years of my short little life. I made several large steps this year...getting a "real" job. Buying a house. Being scared of impending surgery. Quitting my first "real" job for a new, bigger, better job. Feeling like I lost my dad, more than once. Moving across the country alone. And most of all...living through it.

Making it work.

I haven't had this much hurt in my life before, and don't look forward to it continuing much longer.

Through all of these "trials" I have found a few things to be true.

1. I will make it.
2. I will continue to be strong no matter what comes my way.
3. I can trust myself.
4. I can let other people help me.
5. I can celebrate the good things even if other things aren't that great.
6. I am good at what I do.
7. I will continue to grow as a person and that growth will expand into all parts of my life.
8. I am worth it.
9. I will continue learning, falling down, and getting up.
10. I will make it.

I have said several times to close friends that I have not been proud of all I have done since moving. I have had to grow up a lot and in that growth I have made decisions, some with outcomes I have had to struggle through.

I will make it.

I have learned a lot about "the real working world" since I've been in Seattle. This has taught me about relationships, and how to make them work in the office and in the bar. They have to be different. Especially when so many people are out to get you. Work is just that. Work. When you let that simple idea slip, you become the weak one. The one the real worker bees despise. That I will never be.

I will succeed.

Now, as the first NFL season I have worked full-time ends, I look forward to the next step.

I'll be moving to L.A. soon. I'll be working in a stadium that most honor as one of the greatest places in baseball. Dodger Stadium. (Not to mention the property that makes the most money for my company annually.)

I'll be leaving what is now my uncomfortable comfort zone for half a year to make a new "comfort" zone. Only this time I know more. I know who to be the first day through day 15. I will continue to make mistakes and learn along the way, but I won't do it the same as I did it in Seattle.

I will excel.

Next January when I write I hope to be in a different place.

I hope to be near the Superbowl with the Seahawks. I hope to be at a higher level in my career (regarding responsibility, knowledge, and of course, monetarily.) I hope to be looking forward to my next move. Somewhere different. Exciting. Challenging still.

I hope to be around my family. I hope to have more visits and not miss the "big stuff." I hope to gain a balance between work and play. I hope to have a dad again.

I look forward with anticipation while not looking back once. I won't forget the lessons I've learned. I choose to move forward. Learn more. Hunger for more. Achieve more.

I will make it.

Two days till 24...

The "everything happens for a reason" theory is intriguing yet perplexing at times.

I was meant to come to Seattle, for a reason yet to be determined...maybe.

I have greatly increased my level of independence--by necessity--as well as confidence, possibly due to the first.

However, it's difficult not to feel alone while being independent.

I have never questioned who I'd be with on my birthday. Sure there have been some invites that weren't counted on, but I have always known there would be a "core" group there to celebrate.

Those who've never missed it.

Now--while experiencing my independence, I find myself faced with the possibility of being alone on my birthday. An experience I've never had-and haven't ever wanted.

I find myself trying to force relationships. Seeking out a guy at the bar.

I know this would do no good in my life, for my future, or even for Thursday, but it's a knee jerk reaction for "how to find a guy in two days."

It's clear that I will be alone Thursday. No matter who shows, loneliness will be the first to arrive and the last to leave.

The most unwelcome guest of all.

While I'll try hard not to focus on her-or entertain her-she'll be there.

In the empty cab ride home, the silent phone. She'll be a faithful uninvited guest.

Yet for a reason.

My Mary Tyler Moore Moment

It happened so suddenly, I almost missed it.

Standing under the "big buildings" with the cool night air nipping at my face, it hit me.

This is the dream.

Walking downtown with co-workers. All dressed in suites. Heading somewhere.

It was as moment I had wanted for a long time. A feeling that showed me I made it. An experience I had always wanted.

This experience was so powerful I stopped--at the corner--with my co-workers--and said, "If I had a hat, I'd throw it in the air right now."

They laughed, but I knew it was true.

Elizabeth Jo Weese turned Mary Tyler Moore.

Right there in Seattle, WA.

Coffee and columns 9-10-06

Writing. Something that seems so ordinary. An everyday act in life, business, education.

It's habitual and necessary.

To me, it breeds life.

Writing gives me a window to the world. A soap box to preach from. A place to unwind.

Writing helps me disconnect while remaining very connected to the world. There is great pain in some of my writing. Hurt feelings, broken spirit.

All of that seems to be healed by paper and pen.

I read back to a story I penned and smiled.

I captured with red ink a pure moment of happiness. A moment in time that included no one but myself. A moment I owe to myself.

A moment that will never be forgotten.

Now that it's written.

Antics

I was the first in the family to move west--but not the last.

My dad, very nonchalantly told me today he was moving to California in a week.

Not to further his career or to see the world, but because she's there.

Jolene.

the woman my father cheated with.

Jolene.

The woman my father is moving across the country for.

My dad hasn't contacted me in a month--since I moved. By myself. Across the country. And now, by coincidence, I find out he's moving too.

Not just to be with this person, but to be with her and her child.

A daughter.

That's what hurts.

Introduction to my book...

On a cooler than average late July day in the Midwest, I boarded a plane--off to start a new life.

Amid tears, a vodka induced blur, and a jumpy stomach, I looked back, once, through the glass separating security wall, took a deep breath, and walked on.

That was over a month ago. A month away from home. A month from everything I've ever known. A month into the beginning of my life. The life where everything is up to me.

So here I sit. On an island. Warm water air blowing on my skin. The smell of sun on my body.

Happy.

Walking around the island today I felt like I was home.

A new home--but one I could make mine.

The sign I bought says, "Live a good life. And in the end, it's not the years in a life, it's the life in the years."

Maybe that's why I'm here. I have been searching for the life for so long and now, it's my responsibility to make that life happen.

So next time I'm in an airport, ready to move on, I won't look back.

Not once.

airplane thoughts

It's hard to remember what it feels like to put a hand on his shoulder lovingly. Knowing that all you want to do is touch someone. Looking over and knowing he'll be there looking back at you.

Granted, it's not always butteflies and cotton candy, but sometimes, it's nice to remember these times. It's just sad that the mind and the senses don't always connect. I can remember the touches, but the feeling of them escapes me. The gentle firmness at the small of my back as we drift through a crowded room. The memory and thought recognition are still there. The feeling is gone.

And past that...kissing. I've forgotten the feeling of a kiss. Not necessarily a deep passionate kiss, but the brief encounters that we take for granted. The kisses the I always thought would last forever. The kisses you're not self-conscious about. Where your breath or teeth or lips don't matter. You just kiss because you feel like it.

For a long time I didn't want any of that. No time. No desire. But now. Now that I'm here, at a new beginning in life, a chance to be whoever I want to be, free of all past actions, mistakes, judgments and faults, I want to try again. I want to have that moment when some stranger floats into my life and leaves that mark.

I yearn to be lost in a kiss again, on the verge of taking it for granted, but pulling back just in time to cherish and remember the feeling. Maybe it takes having time away from the feelings to truly appreciate them again.

And just when I think he's out there, sitting at the coffee shop I haven't found yet, my brain and my heart say in harmony, "But what if you already left him in the past?"

Much to my dismay, I have to acknowledge those thoughts and fears. I have to be authentic and honest with myself that those thoughts are valid. However, acknowledgement and acceptance of defeat each live on different coasts. And right now, I'm not prepared to make a commitment to either side. I think I'll hang out in mid-air, no knowledge of which state I'm currently in. And I'll see what happens when I land.

It stops...

It's so interesting to me that just when we get what we want, something new pops up in the middle of the road just to mess with the new wax job on the car.

I got out of Panera, just in time I think. Just like those scary invader aliens on Sci-Fi movies who come to Earth just to suck it dry of all goodness and just in time before the Earth dies, they move on. With Panera, I stuck with it (whether I wanted to or not) just long enough to learn a ton of operational information to help me immensely when Rob called and got me to Seattle.

Now that I'm here, and feel good about what I'm doing, someone comes in to test me. Not just my belief in my work abilities or skills, but my belief in myself and whether or not I'm worth what responsibilities I have.

It is interesting how things in life loop around. There were times in my "youth" when a man told me what I thought about myself, my life, and everything else around me. Then, I woke up, got smart, and moved away. Now that I have tested (to some extent) how smart and capable I am by moving across the country, there's a new man, who I don't even know or care about, who is trying to "put me down" because as a woman, I have no greater good to add to human kind.

This is obviously a huge issue with me, that I have (unfortunately) let bug me for way too long. (Granted I've only been in Seattle for two weeks, but for a week of it, this has been happening.)

So, I've decided. Let him think he's ruling the world. Then, do it my way, when the right people are looking, and run right over him, the right way. The way I know I can do. The way I will succeed.

There are men in the world like this person for a reason, because women like me who are smart enough, strong enough and capable enough, let them continue. That stops with me.

Double...

I was driving home just now, worrying about several different things in my life, when suddenly, something told me to look up. Over my apartment, stretched between the clouds, sat a double rainbow.

I knew at that time that everything was going to be okay, and there's got to be some luck headed my way.

I'm ready for it, too.

A better life...

There's an oldie running through my head tonight...

"We got to get out of this place. If it's the last thing we ever do. We gotta get outta this place. Girl there's a better life for me and you."

Well, minus the romantic innuendo, that's exactly what I'm feeling right now.

Maybe I'm just tired, exhausted, or frustrated, but even more than in the past while at this job, I am more willing and ready to quit, be fired, or just walk out than ever before.

I am not a quitter. And definitely not the kind of person to ever be fired. But this job is literally killing me I think.

It's not about money, benefits, or title anymore. It's about quality of life.

I feel like I never leave that restaurant. And when I do, they call me with questions, problems, or just because. What did I do to deserve that? :)

I've got to catch the eye of an employer who will see my potential, my desire to achieve and make a difference, and then get them to hire me. Once I'm hired, I'll set boundaries. And if it's the right job, I won't have to.

Until this happens, the song will continue to play. And until the circus music makes me run myself through the bread slicer, I guess I'll continue slinging bagels.

Until the phone rings with the right offer.

Woman vs. Machine

I mowed MY grass for the first time today.

Enter machine.

I borrowed my brother's lawn mower for the day and set out to beautify MY lawn. Dressed to kill in short shorts, bikini top and a cute tank, I set out to execute a task I have accomplished numerous times in my life.

I pushed the lawn mower into the yard, grasped the handle, and started pulling. Once, twice, nothing else. Okay, I can do this.

Pull again.

Once, barely twice, nothing again the third time.

Okay, now I'm starting to get frustrated.

After using a few choice words against the lawn mower, and (of course I would never tell my brother this part...) kicking the stupid thing, I decided to be bigger than the machine.

I sat down, eye to gas tank with the lawn mower. I studied it. Thought about what makes it tick. Gas? Check. Oil? Check. Did I prime it? Yes.

Out of the blue a thought popped into my head. Does it have to be on level ground to start? Bing! The light bulb went on. I jumped up, moved the mower to level ground...first pull, ba-bing! VRROOMMMMM!!!!

SUCCESS!!!!

I struggled two other times with the mower throughout the afternoon, and when I cut the final square of lawn, I released the handlebar, and shouted for no one to hear but me, "And THAT'S how you mow grass!"

After that, I went and bought an electric weed eater with a push button start.

I win.

writing to live

Writing is supposed to be my voice. My refuge in the storms of life. Writing has always helped me through the pain and unknowing that comes with life and change.

If this is so, why is it that during this horribly confusing and depressing time in my life, I can't seem to write to get through it?

Are there some things even our refuge can't combat?

This is notably the worst time in life I have experienced thus far. Family torn apart, followed by lies, sickness, job problems, death, big debt, even bigger mistakes, then the threat of major surgery. Most people would say, experiencing all of that in a five year span is normal.

What about 9 months?

I have had just about every big life experience in the last 9 months as possible.

I'm not looking for sympathy, I'm just looking for a way out.

A healthy way. I've almost exhausted all of those options too.

So, back to the basics. Writing. Even if it's not about me, and my life, writing.

Being outdoors. Just sitting in nature.

Fresh air.

Sleep has been coming easier lately, with the help of modern science and medicine.

Unfortunately, I am secluding myself from people. I don't want to go out with friends, not just because I can't afford it, but because I don't want to be around people. I don't answer the phone, I don't respond to e-mail. I want to disappear from the radar for a bit.

Is that wrong?

I need to reconnect with myself before I face the world again.

The game is too exhausting.