airplane thoughts

It's hard to remember what it feels like to put a hand on his shoulder lovingly. Knowing that all you want to do is touch someone. Looking over and knowing he'll be there looking back at you.

Granted, it's not always butteflies and cotton candy, but sometimes, it's nice to remember these times. It's just sad that the mind and the senses don't always connect. I can remember the touches, but the feeling of them escapes me. The gentle firmness at the small of my back as we drift through a crowded room. The memory and thought recognition are still there. The feeling is gone.

And past that...kissing. I've forgotten the feeling of a kiss. Not necessarily a deep passionate kiss, but the brief encounters that we take for granted. The kisses the I always thought would last forever. The kisses you're not self-conscious about. Where your breath or teeth or lips don't matter. You just kiss because you feel like it.

For a long time I didn't want any of that. No time. No desire. But now. Now that I'm here, at a new beginning in life, a chance to be whoever I want to be, free of all past actions, mistakes, judgments and faults, I want to try again. I want to have that moment when some stranger floats into my life and leaves that mark.

I yearn to be lost in a kiss again, on the verge of taking it for granted, but pulling back just in time to cherish and remember the feeling. Maybe it takes having time away from the feelings to truly appreciate them again.

And just when I think he's out there, sitting at the coffee shop I haven't found yet, my brain and my heart say in harmony, "But what if you already left him in the past?"

Much to my dismay, I have to acknowledge those thoughts and fears. I have to be authentic and honest with myself that those thoughts are valid. However, acknowledgement and acceptance of defeat each live on different coasts. And right now, I'm not prepared to make a commitment to either side. I think I'll hang out in mid-air, no knowledge of which state I'm currently in. And I'll see what happens when I land.