thinking...again.....

I was thinking today about regret.

A lot of people, once they find themselves single and lonely, begin to regret things they did or didn't do in their previous relationship. I've been thinking of this today, as I realize how extremely lonely I am right now.

I realized that in my past relationship. I MADE SURE to never, EVER take one moment for granted. I woke up every single day, even when I didn't want to wake up, I still rolled over, smiled at the man sleeping next to me, then went about my routine. Once I finished getting ready, I went to him, every morning, and kissed him goodbye. I kissed him somedays without him noticing. And other days, I kissed him and he woke up, grabbed me, and said things like I hope you have a great day boopie. 

I look back on that now, and wonder where did it go wrong? 

I think back to the feeling I had right before I left the comfort of the bed each day... the feeling of safety and love. I look back to that time, and cry. I cry because this is what I have wanted my ENTIRE life. I have dreamt of moments when I could look next to me and feel nothing but love. I have hoped for a "routine" that involved kisses goodbye and hugs and kisses hello in the evening. 

I remember back to the mornings when I would leave notes on the mirror when he would get up earlier than me. I would write with wash-away marker a note so that he would see it when he turned on the light. "You make me smile" or "YOU are the one Dace looks to for guidance, and you don't let him down." or "I can't wait to be with you tonight." 

You can't make that shit up.

And evidently, you can't forget it very easily either.

Now that I am single and lonely, I think back to those moments, and I don't regret anything. I don't sit and wish that that I had done something differently, or that I would have kissed him more. I know that I did what I did out of love. I know that I GAVE more than I could give at any given time. I know that I let my guard down and forgot it ever existed.

I know now that wish I had it all back. 

It doesn't even have to be with him, I just wish I had it back. 

As sad as I am now, I still want to do it all again, but this time, with someone who will appreciate it and love me back. 

Why can't I find that person? 

I know when it's supposed to happen it will and all of that other stuff, but sometimes, I want to lose the positive attitude and just be mad for a little bit. I want to be mad at the year he took from me I want to be mad that he did things to me that shouldn't have been done. I want to be mad that I am still mad and that he has moved on, and I can't. I am mad that I am by myself.

What is so wrong with me that I can't find someone to love me?