Another Year Gone By....

Yesterday, I turned 27.

While I know this is not a huge deal to most people (it's not a monumental age like 30, 50, 100) but to me, every birthday is a big deal.

Some people choose to reflect during Christmas or New Years, or, not at all. I choose to reflect on and around my birthday, after all, it is the anniversary of my LIFE so it seems appropriate to me.

I tend to reflect on things like where am I in life? Where did I think I'd be at this age in life? What have I learned this year, and what do I still have to learn? Where am I on my goals?

I kind of take my own temperature on life and living. I try and do it around my birthday because usually I am in a good mood so the results won't end up a cynical as I can sometimes make them throughout the year, but they are still true.

This year, I grew up a lot.

This year, I had a lot of success and in turn, grew a lot professionally and personally.

I ran a half marathon! That is something I will never forget. It was amazing to have my mom there cheering me on the whole way too. It brings tears to my eyes just going back there now...

I also asked for, created a proposal for, and received a promotion. That was a HUGE thing professionally for me, and personally as well....learning that I could stand up for myself and my worth made me believe it more.

I celebrated my niece's first birthday and loved every second of it!

I started graduate school!!! After four years of no studying, reading boring textbooks, and sitting in class, I'm back at it. Look out world! Here I come!

Mixed in with all of the wonderful things that I accomplished or experienced this year, I also experienced great sadness this year.

In February, my grandma died.

She and I had such a wonderful relationship. She used to fix me breakfast before school and watch me walk up the block to school. At 3 p.m., she'd be waiting for me on the front porch as I walked back down the street. We went to get our nails done on Tuesdays in the summer and then would have lunch after our appointment like big time ladies.

She was pretty sick later in life, but I always went to see her when I was home. The last time I saw her, she just kept telling me how beautiful I was. I'll never forget that.

Not long after grandma died, grandpa got his wish of being with her again. He and I used to dance together. He wasn't a very good student though. After school I would get out the chalkboard and teach him everything I learned that day. He would get the answers wrong (on purpose, I think!) just so that I could correct him. Then, we would go and play outside. He'd "filler up" when we played gas station on my bike and he would laugh and hit his knees.

All he wanted to do was go and be with grandma again. Who could blame him for loving so much?

Even through the sadness, this year has been one that I am proud of, and know that I have learned from.

Life is an interesting thing. Sometimes, you think you know everything, and have all of the answers. Then, you start to realize that instead of answers, all you really have is questions.

I am eagerly asking questions these days. And the scary part about that is that I am actually listening to the answers. Even the ones I don't want to hear.

As I experience my 27th year, I have no idea what to expect. All I can hope is that I will continue to be a questioner. That I will continue to look for other ways around life's challenges. And even more than all of that, when I get where I've always wanted to be, I hope I won't just accept that place....I hope that I will take a mental picture and say, "ok, what's next?"

The Night Before....

So, it's the night before the first day of school.

My bag is packed. My lunch is made. My outfit (and coordinating shoes) are laid out in my closet. It would appear I am all ready to go.

But....

I am freaked the *F* out! The same things I worried about when I applied to grad school are creeping back into my view. What if I am bad? What if I fail? Do I have enough time for everything?

I'm sure I'll be fine. I'm sure that I will struggle. I am sure that it will all be fine.

Can anyone else tell how half assed this is? Geeze. I can't even make myself believe this is important. It's just another Sunday night. Tomorrow morning, I'll have a 9 a.m. meeting followed by one at 11 and 3. Then, off to downtown Phoenix I'll go....to begin student life again.

So, here's to the good life. In two years, when I graduate, I hope I can look back and be happy about my education....and most of all, that I will be at graduation. :)

I really am excited....seriously. ;)

Monsoons and Somedays...

I stood outside tonight letting the monsoonal wind sweep over me. Somehow, the heat, wind and moisture seemed to be just what I needed.

In a time in my life when what I always thought I wanted is crashing against what I never knew I wanted I find myself emotionally spent and still searching.

Will new furniture make me happy? What about clothes? I really enjoy eating and drinking... Maybe going out will make me happy.

Unfortunately, none of those have quenched the thirst I have. Fitness, food, sex or shopping... None of it seems to fulfill me.

So what will?

I keep thinking that when I begin my masters degree EVERYTHING will change. Suddenly, I will be busy, smart, popular, and most importantly, busy.

Although as I sit here now, after the storm, once again in the stifling heat, I wonder... Will any of those things matter?

I keep dreaming of grand proposals, weddings vineyard style and finally impressing people.

Then, I wake up, with my teddy bear (yes, at close to 27 I still sleep with a teddy bear) and shake myself back into reality. For some reason, "it" hasn't happened to me yet.

But I will not stop looking, trying, clawing and hoping.

Because someday.... I will not have to watch the storm alone anymore.

My Story...for Charlene.

One of my co-workers is leaving us next month to get married and begin graduate school in D.C. For her going away gift, we were all asked to write "our story" for her. She is a great girl who is always so inquisitive about everyone, their story and what that story does for their life. She is going to study human anthropology...people's stories.

Here's what I wrote for Charlene....


I often feel as if my life is comprised of a jumble of country songs. Recently, I heard a song I’ve heard a million times before in a different way. “You’re gonna miss this,” by Trace Adkins. (Lyrics below.)

She was staring out that window, of that SUV
Complaining, saying I can't wait to turn 18
She said I'll make my own money, and I'll make my own rules
Mamma put the car in park out there in front of the school
Then she kissed her head and said I was just like you

-Chorus-
You're gonna miss this
You're gonna want this back
You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast
These Are Some Good Times
So take a good look around
You may not know it now But you're gonna miss this

Before she knows it she's a brand new bride
In a one-bedroom apartment, and her daddy stops by
He tells her It's a nice place
She says It'll do for now
Starts talking about babies and buying a house
Daddy shakes his head and says Baby, just slow down

-Chorus-
You're gonna miss this
You're gonna want this back
You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast
These Are Some Good Times
So take a good look around
You may not know it now But you're gonna miss this

Five years later there's a plumber workin' on the water heater
Dog's barkin', phone's ringin'
One kid's cryin', one kid's screamin'
She keeps apologizin'
He says They don't bother me.
I've got 2 babies of my own. One's 36, one's 23.
Huh, it's hard to believe, but ...

-Chorus-
You're gonna miss this
You're gonna want this back
You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast
These Are Some Good Times
So take a good look around You may not know it now But you're gonna miss this
You're gonna miss this
Yeah, you're gonna miss this

I heard this song last night and it hit me differently than it ever has before. I had just had dinner with a friend, driven home in my convertible with the top down listening to Frank Sinatra on the radio as loud as I wanted, and was sitting on my couch watching whatever I wanted on TV with a glass of wine.

It was then that I realized: I’m going to miss this.

Someday, I will be married and have children (hopefully!!) and I guarantee there will be crazy days when all I yearn for are convertible rides and red wine.

I suddenly reverted back to my younger days, spending summers riding my bike with my friends all over creation. Singing songs at the top of our lungs as we rode, laughing out loud, and saying “Look! No hands!”

I’d ride my bike to my grandparents’ house and sit with them on their front porch in the evenings. Their neighbors would come over and sit with us. We’d talk about nothing in particular, but those days seemed to hold so much weight looking back.

It’s those times that I think shaped my life. Even though I didn’t know it at the time, I sure miss them now.


Holidays were always special for us too. It seemed like everyone put a lot of pressure on holidays, especially Christmas. Everything had to be perfect. Does each kid have the same amount of presents under the tree? Are the ornaments and tinsel placed “just so” for the pictures? Make sure that we get a picture of the placing of the star on the top of the tree, and each kid putting “their ornament” on. Dress nicely for dinner and for goodness sake, DON’T FIGHT WITH YOUR BROTHER! Now that we are older, holidays are different. Time is shared between in-laws houses, based upon airport delays and baby nap times. I still always remember the holidays from the past, though. Each person had assigned seating at the table. We used the “good china” and the linen table cloth that day.

Every moment of every holiday had a routine—a pattern you could count on from year to year. I miss that now.


The look of my family has changed over the years too. Suddenly one day, the front porch photo in coordinating outfits with the columns framing our pose and the American Flag blowing in the breeze wasn’t valid anymore. I couldn’t help looking back on all of the family portraits taken on our front porches; Easter, July 4th, proms, graduations. Every major event in our lives captured on Kodak on our front porch. All except for maybe the biggest event in our lives. For some reason though, we don’t photograph the tough times. Instead, we amend the pictures in the future. They become blended and molded into something new.

Now when I stand on the front porch, things are different, and I can’t help but remember the old photos, I miss them.


Something I’ll never forget happened just about a year ago. I became an aunt for the first time. There is no explanation for the feeling I had when I got the call. Elaina Grace was on her way into the world, almost a month early. First, I was concerned. Will she be okay arriving this early? Will my brother and sister in law be ready? How many days until I can fly back to see her? When I heard her crying in the background every question and worry went away. I felt instant love for someone I had never even met. And trust me; it’s only grown from there. That baby has forever changed my life, and my families’ lives. Now that she is turning one, I think back to every single time I’ve held her. Remembering the feeling of her warm breaths as she slept on my chest. The way she would hold my finger as I fed her. I got to help give her the first bath at home.

Probably the coolest thing I have been able to do is watch my brother change. He is a daddy now. His whole persona changes when Elaina is around. He melts into this big blob of love that I have never seen before. I see him with her, and it reinforces to me that there are still some good guys in the world.

When I think about Elaina in my life, I instantly think about what it will be like when I have a baby of my own. It’s those tender, intimate moments in life with those who are the most innocent that change you.

I can say honestly that I already miss Elaina’s first moments. I’m happy though that I was around for them, and that I can remind her of how tiny she was when she gets bigger.

When I think about the things and moments in time that I am going to miss, I also have to realize that at least I have them to miss. How sad would life be if we didn’t experience some of these wonderful and heartbreaking moments? We might not know what true heartache is—both happy and sad heartache.

It’s true that life is in the little moments, and I believe that the moments you know you are gonna miss are the biggest of the little moments.

I’m sure gonna miss them.

Learning to be a "Professional."

Just a quick vent...

I'm learning that in order to be a professional today, one must do the following:
a.) copy every boss you have on every e-mail you send to colleagues, even when they reply to only you...you must copy everyone on in the world on your "thank you" response.
b.) never do any important (or unimportant work) via the phone. This method of communication is not trackable, therefore, there is not CYA capabilities through it.
c.) if all else fails, just bend over.

I am so frustrated today by people who are just being nasty. I work with a group of people who live by example (a.) listed above. And, they demand things from me knowing I am on mandatory furlough (which equals illegal to work during that day...by LAW) to be turned in to them early the morning of my return. When I try and accommodate them and end up not sending the right file from my smart phone and my bed (I don't go into work until 9. Deal with it.) they respond to the world that I am wrong, ignorant and obviously not worthy of a place in the world. Not a good way to start the day.

Then, the boss....who in a meeting I am not in, denies that I ever told him something extremely important. Reason for point (b.) above. EVEN THOUGH he mentioned this important fact in meetings the next two days....I never told him. OMG.

So, that brings me to point (c.) I can either fight every single battle (because every battle seems worthy to me.) or, I can just bend over and continue to take it.

Will it get me any further in life to fight these battles? Will it make me more desirable for a job I apply for to put on my resume "will fight to be right"? I don't think so.

I don't understand which class in college teaches strong arming your co-workers. A** H*le 101: how to be a male organ on the job. Maybe I missed that one at PU.

Most of all, why are people like that allowed and encouraged to be that way? I realize that the world isn't a beautiful puffy cloud filled place where people do what's right just because, but come on!

I think I will sit in my office with the lights off for the rest of the day and think about ways I can ethically conquer these bastards.

Grandma Lila

I have heard the stories a million times....

When people have been married for their entire lives and one partner dies, the other usually goes soon after. Usually within weeks.

One month ago my grandma died. While she was not well for some time, her death was still not easy to handle. There’s something to be said for being away. In a lot of respects I would say I was the closest to her.

Since I was very little, my grandma and I were inseparable. I wasn't the first grandchild...not even the first granddaughter...but she was MY grandma.

We spent summer Tuesdays at the nail salon. She would pick me up early, I would sit right next to her at the desk, and then we would go to lunch. Those are some of the best memories I have of childhood...and what I plan to replicate when I have a granddaughter.

There were plenty of other memories... Grandma’s cinnamon rolls from the can tasted better than when anyone else made them. I begged to spend the night because when I did it meant dinner out in a dress and to be shown off to everyone grandma and grandpa saw.

A few years ago, my grandma fell and broke her hip. After her surgery, she gave up. She had been sick already...emphysema. Worse than that...C.O.P.D. When I found out she had given up, I left school (college) and spent the day with her at the hospital. I told her I wasn't leaving until she got out of bed and took a few steps. After a few days of doing that, she left the hospital.

She was able to come home for a while, a year maybe? Then, she gave up again. It happened slowly, and for a while my mom didn’t even know it was happening. She stopped being able to take care of very basic needs, and my grandpa was killing himself trying to be her caretaker.

Mom and Uncle Rodney decided to put her in a nursing home. It wasn’t easy, and it upset everyone, mostly my grandpa.

Grandma would look at him and blame him for her being there. It would make him cry. Her mind was going fast, and soon, she just kind of sat there every day and stared into space. I hated that. It wasn’t my grandma.

Every visit home, I would go see grandma. If it was nice outside, I’d wheel her outside until she wanted to go back in. Every time I went home, it was less and less my grandma I saw when I went to the nursing home. She slept a lot, and the last time I was there, she just stared at me the whole time.

I looked back at her and smiled and tried to think of something to say, but nothing really came out. She said, “You’re so beautiful.” I said thank you grandma. She commented on how long my hair was and wanted to know when I started wearing it long, so we talked about that for a minute. Then she told me how beautiful I was again.

When I left, like I had every other time in the last few months, I wondered if it would be the last time I would see her. I hugged her and told her I loved her and I’d see her again when I came back in town for Easter.

I never got to hug my grandma again.

It was a really busy and important week for me at work. It was kind of the “test run” to see if I could cut the mustard at the promotion that had been talked about. I was in charge of a week of events and meetings beginning Sunday and ending with a large public lecture and private reception on Thursday night. Sunday night’s dinner went well. Everyone looked at me like I belonged there. I was excited. Monday was hectic but wonderful. I took some time out of my afternoon to talk to my mom on the phone about random topics. She mentioned that my grandma had a slight fever but we didn’t dwell on it.

Monday night’s event was fine, and after it ended, I called my mom on my way home just like always.

She sounded strange.

I asked what was wrong, she asked where I was and if I could stop driving. Then I knew. I lied and said I was in the parking lot and could pull into a space, then she told me that grandma wasn’t well and they had been sitting with her for about two hours.

“I think you need to come home.”

I had asked that questions multiple times since I moved away. Every time something different happened to grandma I would ask, “should I come home?” It was kind of our secret language for “is grandma going to make it?” I didn’t even have to ask this time.

Mom worried about work, I said it was fine, I would make it work. Then, I went to my office and started to book a flight.

I hung up with mom and called my friend Greg. He had come to the end of the event I just left and hung out for a while. I told him what mom said and he turned his car around and met me at my office. He stood next to me while I booked the one way ticket, called my boss, and made arrangements for the week.

It was probably the most caring thing anyone had ever done for me.

Once we left my office, I went home to pack. What do you pack when you know your grandma is dying and you are going to have to go to her funeral? I started throwing things in suitcases, and my phone rang.

Grandma was gone.

I was so upset. Upset for everything I had ever said or not said, upset for moving away, upset for not being there. I was upset that my brother hadn’t gone to see grandma in more than a year. I was upset that I didn’t get to say goodbye. I was upset that my grandpa was sleeping at his house….not knowing his wife of almost 60 years had just died. I was upset.

I told my mom I was sorry for her and that I wasn’t there. We talked for a bit, then we hung up. I didn’t sleep that night. I finished packing, cleaned my room, took a bath, watched infomercials, anything but sleep. It was about 11 p.m. when my mom called, and my flight left at 6 a.m. Greg was planning to pick me up at 4:30 to take me. I was in the driveway at 4 waiting on him.

My best friend Racheal called me at about 5:30. I texted her after I talked to mom that night. She and I cried together, thousands of miles apart. She couldn’t believe what was happening and that I was alone.

I got on the plane and told the flight attendant I wasn’t feeling well and asked for some ginger ale. She told me to let her know if I needed anything else. I fell asleep for about five minutes somewhere above the Midwest and woke up knowing something was wrong. I got out of my seat and went to the front of the plane, but someone was in the restroom. The flight attendant told me I’d have to wait, and then realized I couldn’t. She shepherded me to her trashcan in the service area where I proceeded to get sick for quite a while. I told her everything that was going on, and she sat with me in her special jump seat next to the door of the plane and let me talk and cry.

Probably the nicest thing a stranger has ever done for me.

I landed in Kansas City, knowing my mom wouldn’t be waiting for me at the window for the first time since I’d moved away. But, Brian and Jamie were supposed to be there. I left the plane, scanning the window, no familiar faces.

I was alone again. The one time I really needed someone to be there to pick me up, and I was alone. About 20 minutes later they finally arrived, and we drove to St. Joe.

The next day was visitation. I never look at the casket when I go to funerals or visitations. It freaks me out and I just can’t do it. But this time, I had to. It was my grandma.

She looked so much better there. She looked like everything was better now. Not struggling for every breath, not hunched over. Her red dress was so perfect.

I sat with my grandpa the entire time. Then, when all the people started coming, I stayed with him. He was devastated. So much so, that I felt I needed to be his strength.

At the funeral the next day I looked at my brother during the service and he was crying. I have never seen my brother cry. I think he finally was able to let it all affect him. It was nice to see him as a human.

After all of the funeral stuff that day, we all went home and just sat around. We were collectively exhausted.

I woke up Friday morning knowing something else was different. Mom had gotten a call late the night before from my grandpa. He wasn’t feeling well. They spent the entire night in the ER. They thought he was fine though from there. Then, that afternoon, they took him back. Late the night they admitted him to the hospital.

This pattern continued for about 2 weeks before they finally found something.

Cancer.

My grandpa survived colon cancer about 15 years ago, and now, it attacked his bladder. They did surgery (3 actually) and found they couldn’t remove the cancer or the bladder. Sooner or later, it would just take him.

Fast forward to now…

My grandpa is in a nursing home today. We always said that if they put him there, he’d just die. Well, I go home Thursday for Easter and I just hope more than anything that he is fine until I get there.

The story is the same. Who knows how long grandpa has been feeling badly? He has been so focused on sitting next to my grandma’s bed for so many years he hadn’t taken care of himself. Now, we might lose him too. And who am I to be selfish and tell him he shouldn’t give up?

It’s times like the last month or so that make it the hardest to be away. I feel very helpless…and I feel very selfish. I’m the only one that isn’t there.

Quote

This quote appeared on my Google homepage today...

Any word you have to hunt for in a thesaurus is the wrong word. There are no exceptions to this rule. - Stephen King

I love it.

Since joining the higher education world over a year ago, I find myself in meetings where people try and make themselves sound so smart by using a million big words and it just worsens their case.

Reminds me of that Friends episode where Joey wants to sound smart when writing a letter of recommendation to an adoption agency considering Monica and Chandler as adoptive parents. Joey looks every word he plans to use up in a thesaurus and the letter ends up completely jumbled. The agency receives the letter and accepts Monica and Chandler because they think a child wrote the letter! Too funny.

30 and fabulous...so far...

Okay, so here's what I have so far...I feel like I add to this daily, and I think that's just fine!

It's my damn list after all!

1. Get a Passport
2. Plan a trip that doesn't involve family (and TAKE IT!)
3. Run a marathon
4. Visit Ireland
5. Give someone a gift they never expected
6. Earn a masters degree
7. Drive a convertible down the PCH with the top down. (my convertible)
8. Go skydiving

As it grows, I'll add to it here too. :)

p.s. I just completed the form for a Passport...now I jut have to turn it in. Kind of like the grad school application...I'm sensing a trend in "fear to commit" here...

30 and Fabulous

It's coming....

Before I know it, I will be 30.

A good friend suggested today I make a bucket list of sorts...things to accomplish before I turn 30.

I already have some must do's in mind, but don't want to spill any secrets until it's finished.

This is going to be fabulous!

Blessed

Today I feel absolutely blessed.

The "end" is in sight...soon, I will be hugging my mom inside terminal B in Kansas City. Yes, I know it's two days away, but a week ago, I didn't think I would make it this far.

I have been able to reflect a bit today on my drive in, setting up my day, etc., about how incredibly lucky I am. I have the most amazing family in the entire world. I have a mom who has literally given me everything in the world (without spoiling me, of course), a brother who I think worries about me more than anyone would like to admit, and a sister-in-law who I can't remember a time without...even before we met her, I feel like she was in our life.

Then, enter the Griffith's. It's a tough road when your parents divorce...you never know what life will be like "A.D." My life has gotten much better by having David in it. He has taken an interest in my life, is incredibly giving and loving toward me, and he doesn't have to be. We joke around and laugh and talk politics (okay, he talks, but I listen) and together, we actually make kind of a fun pair. Then you have Nicole who I call my sister (and she the same) who is always so bubbly and excited when I see her. I think there's a damaged part in both of us that is somewhat healed when we're together. Like pieces have been missing but are found for a little while. Matthew is a whole different story, but I don't want to give up hope in him yet.

We won't even get into that little baby right now...she has no idea yet how very much she is loved...and I plan to tell her about it every time I see her--for her ENTIRE LIFE. Not just when she's a baby. Not just on holidays. Not just in cards. EVERY TIME.

Family is a strange thing. Your family can both infuriate you and make you smile at the same time. They can make you hurt inside for the most wonderful reasons...that's family.

And all next week, while I'm sitting in the family room, having breakfast at Betty's or dinner at home, even when I have to dry the stupid dishes after Thanksgiving dinner, I'll be secretly smiling inside and remembering every second.

Family is the best gift ever. And the most important thing to be thankful for.

Is this an open window?

So you always hear, "God doesn't close a door without opening a window." Well, maybe this is my window...to a door that has been closed for a really long time.

I got an offer on my house today. The first one EVER. It's really low, but it's there. I am really hoping that the mortgage companies will accept it so that I can be rid of the place.

It is almost like I'm tiptoeing around because I'm afraid if I actually walk normally, something might jinx this whole thing.

I have asked my closest friends for prayers, thoughts, crossed legs and fingers, whatever kind of good juju they can send me. I'll take whatever I can get.

So if this happens, my life will change. I will finally be able to breathe. Maybe sleep. I will be able to take care of myself. It would be amazing.

A friend send me this today....and yes, the tears were working overtime.

"Tough times never last, but tough people do."

I think I've earned my stripes here...and I'm not afraid to pat myself on the back...but I'll wait until the ink has dried to do that. And then head directly to the bar to salute with my besties (in whatever city I might be in at the time...)

Failure

I feel like a complete and total failure.

I am always so happy and upbeat, telling everyone only the positive, always smiling and dancing around. "Look on the bright side, just believe, everything will turn around."

Well, I can't do that anymore.

I work three jobs to get by. At two of my three jobs, people regularly steal from me. But I can't very well stop going to those jobs because I need the money. I've thought about getting another job, but I already work every day of ever week--at least, so I don't know where else I can fit another job in.

I have never asked for a hand out. Not once.

I have always worked, ever since I was old enough.

I currently have a not-new car (God love Frankie, but let's be honest...not the flashiest of rides.) I don't go out. I hardly ever eat out, and if I do, I sacrafice somewhere else (i.e. groceries or gas). I don't buy myself new clothes, shoes, books, anything. I don't go to the doctor or get my hair cut. I don't give to charity because I feel jealous that someone else is getting a hand out and I'm not.

I love the time I get to go home and spend with family but then all I can think about are the shifts I'm missing at one of the bars I work at and how I'm going to make up that money for rent or mortgage.

I think I've finally reached my limit of acting like everything is okay, and that worries me even more. Today for the first time ever I wondered what it would be like if I weren't here. That was maybe the saddest, worst thing that has ever happened to me.

I have the best family and friends in the world, and I just can't seem to get it together. I feel like if I am "real" I am letting them all down because "real" isn't my job.

And it's not even like I can spend any time fixing it all, because all of my time is already spent working.

And every time I collect a pay check, it's already been spent.

Tell me when it will be my turn.

What's my deal?

So, here's the skinny.

I am in an awful mood, and have been for a few days. I'm trying to figure out why...here's what I've come up with.

• My schedule sucks.
• I have no money, even though I work every waking hour.
• My expectations for myself and others are way too high.
• Nothing is ever good enough for me.
• I don't know if I'll ever be in love again.
• I miss my family.
• I feel loney a lot of the time...even when I'm with others...

Next question...WTF? Can't I just tell myself to get over it?

Searching on a Friday...

Today, I find myself searching for a lot of answers.

Why does he still get to me?
Do I really like this one?
Do butterflies really matter?
Am I happy?
Can I be a fake person much longer?
Why do I have such expectations for someone else that aren't justified at all?
When will I fall in love?
Is the journey really more important than the destination?


All of these questions are pretty universal, I would guess. But for some reason, I can't get them out of my head...

Sometimes I find myself just sitting and looking into the nothingness of life and thinking about these things. I wonder what's going to happen with the economy. How will that affect me?

I get angry a lot at things and people and situations. I get angry that I am asked to give money to the United Way at my work. Asked this by the same people that said, due to the economy, we can't give raises this year, sorry. I work three jobs to try and stay afloat and I am asked to give to people who can't work (the bitter Elizabeth says WON'T work.) Then, if I turn the form in empty, I feel guilty.

Life is interesting, and I hope it comes full circle, but for now, I'm stuck on basic questions...and some not so basic ones, and that bothers me..

thinking...again.....

I was thinking today about regret.

A lot of people, once they find themselves single and lonely, begin to regret things they did or didn't do in their previous relationship. I've been thinking of this today, as I realize how extremely lonely I am right now.

I realized that in my past relationship. I MADE SURE to never, EVER take one moment for granted. I woke up every single day, even when I didn't want to wake up, I still rolled over, smiled at the man sleeping next to me, then went about my routine. Once I finished getting ready, I went to him, every morning, and kissed him goodbye. I kissed him somedays without him noticing. And other days, I kissed him and he woke up, grabbed me, and said things like I hope you have a great day boopie. 

I look back on that now, and wonder where did it go wrong? 

I think back to the feeling I had right before I left the comfort of the bed each day... the feeling of safety and love. I look back to that time, and cry. I cry because this is what I have wanted my ENTIRE life. I have dreamt of moments when I could look next to me and feel nothing but love. I have hoped for a "routine" that involved kisses goodbye and hugs and kisses hello in the evening. 

I remember back to the mornings when I would leave notes on the mirror when he would get up earlier than me. I would write with wash-away marker a note so that he would see it when he turned on the light. "You make me smile" or "YOU are the one Dace looks to for guidance, and you don't let him down." or "I can't wait to be with you tonight." 

You can't make that shit up.

And evidently, you can't forget it very easily either.

Now that I am single and lonely, I think back to those moments, and I don't regret anything. I don't sit and wish that that I had done something differently, or that I would have kissed him more. I know that I did what I did out of love. I know that I GAVE more than I could give at any given time. I know that I let my guard down and forgot it ever existed.

I know now that wish I had it all back. 

It doesn't even have to be with him, I just wish I had it back. 

As sad as I am now, I still want to do it all again, but this time, with someone who will appreciate it and love me back. 

Why can't I find that person? 

I know when it's supposed to happen it will and all of that other stuff, but sometimes, I want to lose the positive attitude and just be mad for a little bit. I want to be mad at the year he took from me I want to be mad that he did things to me that shouldn't have been done. I want to be mad that I am still mad and that he has moved on, and I can't. I am mad that I am by myself.

What is so wrong with me that I can't find someone to love me?

Things I've been thinking about....

I keep having these random thoughts pop into my head. But then, they pop in again the next day, next hour, next minute, and they don't seem so random anymore. I thought I'd write them down to hopefully free them from my brain.

• I hate being a "grown up."
• I should never have broken up with Brett.
• I hate being the one with no kids, boyfriend, husband or friends.
• I am lonely.
• As much as Mark hurt me, I still can't forget the times we had together, and can't stop going through every moment wondering what went wrong.
• I want to move back home.
• I hate feeling like no one appreciates me, notices me, or cares about what I do at work.
• I am tired of my boss and co-workers putting me down and not seeing anything wrong with it.
• I hate having to work so many jobs just to get by and still worrying about money ever day.
• I hate that I work out 5 times a week--hard, eat right and still can't lose this new weight that suddenly appeared when I turned 25.
• I want someone to look at me and make it all just melt away.
• I want to have someone to talk to before I go to sleep and when I wake up in the morning.
• I want to be able to share my silly thoughts with someone and not worry about what they will think or that they will make fun of me.
• I want to have routines and traditions of my own.
• I want a better job. One that challenges me and rewards me for the work I do.
• I want to start getting the credit for the work I do.
• I miss watching Elaina grow up and change.
• I am afraid my grandma will die alone.
• I am worried about my surgery.
• I don't feel pretty. That makes me feel like Mark is winning.
• I want to move on.
• I am tired of feeling guilty for nothing I ever did.
• I am sad that my dad wants nothing to do with me.
• I don't want to feel sorry for myself.

There are a lot more........but that's all I can manage right now.

Good bye

Mark~

I need to tell you some things. Things I have been feeling for some time now. Things you probably have known but never wanted to admit that you knew.

1. You never told me I was pretty.
2. You never said thank you.
3. You belittled every action, thought, feeling I had.
4. You made me feel stupid and not worthy of being around you.
5. Nothing I did was ever good enough.
6. You cheated on me.
7. You were rude to my family.
8. You never loved me.
9. You tricked me.
10. You never stood up for me.
11. You never appreciated the things I did for you.
12. You weren’t there for me when I needed you.
13. When I was there for you, you made me feel like it didn’t matter. (i.e. Dace)
14. You made me walk on egg shells around you.


There are so many more things you did or didn’t do that I needed, asked, begged you to. For some reason, nothing I said or did ever mattered to you.

I have tried to figure out for so long what it was that I did to ruin this relationship. While I know I’m not perfect, I know that I alone didn’t ruin it. You had a heavy hand in the fate of this relationship.

It still kills me that you would rather look at trashy women on the computer than be with me. How is that okay in your mind? Did you ever put together that something of that nature would hurt me more than it might others since my father cheated on my mom online? Did that ever cross your mind? I doubt it. Because in order for that to happen, you would have had to listen to me, process the fact that I had feelings, and then project those onto your actions. All of that would have been much too hard for you.

You gave me a load of crap when you said, “My number one priority is Dace.” Wrong. Your only priority is yourself. Where is Dace right now? Who is he with? What is he doing? Where was he last night? If you could answer those questions without a reasonable doubt in your head, great. Evidently things have changed a little bit. Because I know when I lived there, Dace ran you. And I would venture to guess he still does.

And now, since I’m not there, providing a female prospective in the house that is stable and unchanging, how many different women does he see coming in and out of the house every day? How does that help him in life?

When I think about you and how you treated me it makes me sick. I can’t believe that I let it happen for so long. It infuriates me that you still get under my skin. I hate that you have that way over me. You changed me, and not for the better. You made me insecure, sad, lonely, regretful, and you made me think I didn’t deserve anything in life.

Well, guess what? Every time a guy smiles at me, it builds me back up. Each time someone tells me I am pretty, it’s a mental dig to you. When I have a great workout or finish a race, I think to myself, and Mark said I could never do this. Every time I see my family and know that they love me I think, and Mark missed out on this great family. I feel sorry for him. He will never know the kind of love my family and I have to give. His loss.

So you know what, Mark Allen? Enjoy your women swooning over you. They’ll learn soon enough. Enjoy the false sense of being just what Dace needs. He doesn’t need a friend, he needs a parent. Enjoy your work out routines and your super diet. Just remember, I can run races too.

I am done with you. I am done with your memories. I am done with the way you make me feel. I am done feeling bad about myself because you tell me I should. I am done being pushed around, cheated on, lied to, made fun of, and all of those other awful things you did to me.

And when you are entertaining all of these new girls in your life, see if they will hand make cupcakes in the shapes of poker chips for your racing team. Or if they will take your son to school each day, drive him and his friends around, let him drive their car, and then after she has done all of that for him (and for you) the next time Dace is rude to her and you do NOTHING about it, see what she thinks then. See if she’ll scrub your kitchen floor on her hands and knees before going to her third job one day. See if she’ll do all the laundry, dishes, and pick up the house even though you tell her it looks like shit and she’s awful at it.

After you find out all of those things, then, tell her that you want to marry her and have children with her. And when she believes you, break her heart just like you did mine.

It seems to be how you operate.

Good bye Mark Allen.

I don't get it.....

This is a time when it's not fair to be a girl.

Girls think about things. We analyze a sitituation and try and figure out what made it happen. We usually put ourselves in the blame seat too.

Well, I don't get it.

I constantly say "I know I'm not God's gift, but I have to be at least a little pretty." But he doesn't tell me. He doesn't show me.

Instead he looks at others. Not even "real" other people.

He chooses them over me. He is intimate with them not me.

If I could only understand why this happens maybe I would give it peace. But I don't. And I can't bring it up because then it becomes my problem.

Because nothing is his problem.

Instead it becomes me not eating for days trying to make myself prettier. Or me working out even when I don't want to to try and make him like me more.

None of it works though. He still treats me as if I were hideous.

And I know I am not.

update....

Well....we never really know what life has in store for us, now do we?

A year ago I was preparing to leave Seattle and travel to LA where I was going to be in charge of a department. New responsibilities, new people, new city. All very exciting and stressful.

Well, once I got there, I hit the ground running at 100 miles an hour. I gained experience, friends, and love. I lost weight, time, sleep and myself.

So I found a way out. Part of me thinks I made a lot of something small and jumped off a bridge when I should have just stepped off the curb instead.

So, I left what I knew. I left what was hard (but easy at the same time) for something completely new. I left a job, a salary, a status, a lifestyle and drove away.

Now that I'm here and have been for some time, I am wondering if it was right.

I am not an impulsive person. I am a "show me the facts" person. Except for in this case. I took no facts and made a decision. One that I am not so sure about these days.

As an adult you have to make decisions and sacrifices in daily life. I don't think I was quite prepared for either of those things or their consequences when I drove East.

So now I'm here. With stress and struggle again. Something I thought I was leaving behind in lala land. There are good days, yes. But it is difficult sometimes to remember them and the feelings that were associated with them.

Now I feel distrust, defeat, and denial.

I will make it. I always do. I just need to draw a new map. And the first thing I need to put on this map is me. And I can't keep letting people erase me.

So long...

It has been so long since I've written. Not because I haven't wanted to, but because of several things.

In my last post I begged and looked forward to new responsibilities and more to do. Well, now I've got it. I am running a department that is making the most money (in premium) while operating with the less amount of dollars. Interesting.

But, relate that to life.

When you have the most assets (time, space, money) you usually use the least of those assets to achieve the goal. (Family time, education, R&R).

Well, now that I am using the least amount of those assets at work, I find I am using the most of those assets in my personal life. I am suddenly taking weekend get-a-ways, making "play dates" with my dad and his person, flying home for "the big moments."

Limited sometimes equals excess.

So, I sit here in the warm desert in May thinking of the future. I am no longer tied to Seattle (thankfully) although I will always be tied there. Memories are sometimes the strongest pieces of twine tying you somewhere.

I am in the midst of baseball. Some days on top, sometimes falling short in the 9th.

I continue to learn every minute of every day. Learn how to speak, act, counsel, and pretend. Because after all, isn't that all that management is? Pretending?

Life is good now.

I feel happier than I have in a very long time.

I have my family (including my dad).

I have my friends (friends from the past as well as people I can trust from work. Yes, I said trust.)

I have money. I never knew how much this would change my outlook until now.

I have confidence. Falling down doesn't mean failing.

Cheers to what's next. WHOO!