Failure

I feel like a complete and total failure.

I am always so happy and upbeat, telling everyone only the positive, always smiling and dancing around. "Look on the bright side, just believe, everything will turn around."

Well, I can't do that anymore.

I work three jobs to get by. At two of my three jobs, people regularly steal from me. But I can't very well stop going to those jobs because I need the money. I've thought about getting another job, but I already work every day of ever week--at least, so I don't know where else I can fit another job in.

I have never asked for a hand out. Not once.

I have always worked, ever since I was old enough.

I currently have a not-new car (God love Frankie, but let's be honest...not the flashiest of rides.) I don't go out. I hardly ever eat out, and if I do, I sacrafice somewhere else (i.e. groceries or gas). I don't buy myself new clothes, shoes, books, anything. I don't go to the doctor or get my hair cut. I don't give to charity because I feel jealous that someone else is getting a hand out and I'm not.

I love the time I get to go home and spend with family but then all I can think about are the shifts I'm missing at one of the bars I work at and how I'm going to make up that money for rent or mortgage.

I think I've finally reached my limit of acting like everything is okay, and that worries me even more. Today for the first time ever I wondered what it would be like if I weren't here. That was maybe the saddest, worst thing that has ever happened to me.

I have the best family and friends in the world, and I just can't seem to get it together. I feel like if I am "real" I am letting them all down because "real" isn't my job.

And it's not even like I can spend any time fixing it all, because all of my time is already spent working.

And every time I collect a pay check, it's already been spent.

Tell me when it will be my turn.